Feminism doesn’t hate you. A simple guide for men to improve their quality of life.
by A
Oftentimes when I talk to men about feminism they will very quickly resolve to a defensive position. It usually becomes clear that the mere term feminism feels threatening and hurtful to them — that in their view it means “women against men” or “women are better than men” or “women should be treated better than men”, when actually none of these statements represent the meaning of feminism.
Let’s have a look at the definition of the word according to the Cambridge Dictionary:
feminism
noun | POLITICS
UK /ˈfem.ɪ.nɪ.zəm/ US /ˈfem.ə.nɪ.zəm/
When having these discussions I often hear arguments like these: “men are at much higher risk of committing suicide or end up in prison or get injured in physical fights” and “men die younger because of the pressure they live with as a provider”. Somehow these statements are used to illustrate that in fact women are the ones who are privileged, because they don’t have to deal with these specific issues. I wonder what would happen if we chose not to look at it through the lens of “women should go through all the shit men go through if they want equality”, but rather “men could have some of the nice and cozy and cuddly stuff that women have and this would be equality too”.
What if — only for a moment — we entertained the idea that feminism isn’t about taking anything away from men to give it to women, but actually about giving something back to all people, that could potentially be a benefit, not only for the individual, but for our society as a whole.
That’s too abstract for you? No problem, let’s explore this idea in 6 practical things that feminism can do to make your life as a man better:
1. A rich emotional life
From early childhood on we treat boys and girls differently — one of the main reasons being that emotions and everything that comes with them is attributed as female. Boys are taught to toughen up, to suck up their feelings and hide them away, because showing feelings would make them seem weak. This leads to anger, frustration and aggression as the only “acceptable” male emotions, which in turn leads us back to men being more at risk of depression, violent behavior, physical fights, ending up in prison, and so forth. Men are deprived of freely exploring and expressing the whole (natural) human spectrum of emotions — no wonder they are angry. Let the boys have a good cry and a good laugh after and sprinkle it with some vulnerability and some optimism and a little affection on top. Let’s teach them how relieving it can be to express shame and suffering, and how rewarding it can be to show compassion and sympathy. Who would want to go back to being closed off and angry all the time when instead they had the capacity to share ecstasy and delight?
2. Open-mindedness
The fear of being seen as feminine (and therefore as weak) can lead to authoritarian and intolerant behaviors. It can lead to homophobia and the irrational fear of intimacy between men. Have you ever noticed how women hug and cuddle a lot with their female friends? How they say “I love you” to each other? They do it, because it feels great. It’s awesome to have intimate friendships and nobody should be afraid to be seen as less of a man if they engage in supportive and loving friendships like that. Also nobody wants to be around homophobic assholes.
3. Confidence
Boys learn that their self worth can be measured by means of competition, power and dominance. They get praise if they show these manly attributes and are scolded if they don’t. If you’re not into winning, you’re not a man. This is how we as a society create deeply insecure individuals, who overcompensate their inner void with toxic masculinity. Maybe most of us can see and agree that — especially now — what we need most in the world is less of that and more compassion, responsibility and caring. There is still a shred of hope for us humans to create a star trekian utopia, though it sure won’t be achieved through capitalist man-child dreams of perpetual economical growth.
4. A rich sexual life
Get ready, I’m going to tell you something about female sexuality now: Many women (I dare even say most women) are into sensuality, intimacy and connection when it comes to sex. Only few of them care about performance a whole lot. Try giving yourself to a woman for once — really giving yourself to her, open yourself up to being vulnerable for her (yes this is about emotions too). Try to forget about pressure and performance and the linearity of “foreplay — penetration — orgasm” and entertain the idea that sex can be a whole lot of things, as long as it’s fun, consensual, and enjoyable for both parties. You might be in for a frickin awesome experience. And if you like it, please, for the love of god, let it out, make some noise — because yes, that turns us on as well. So if you being turned on, makes us turned on, which might make you even more turned on … just imagine the possibilities of the pleasure perpetuum mobile 🔥🚀🔥
5. Fulfillment
Men tend to have little time for relaxation, fun and time off. This has to do with their societal role as the bread winner on the one hand and their seeking of fulfillment through a career and money rather than family and relationships on the other hand. It might bring them closer to their goal of being a successful and wealthy business person, but often leaves them estranged from their loved ones. If you ask people on their death beds about their regrets in life, they normally don’t say that they would have wanted to earn more money. Instead they regret having missed out on human connections. Sharing the bread winning responsibilities more equally could be a remedy for that, just like creating more family friendly work environments in which it is normalized that men also take parental or caregiver leave.
6. Health
Have you ever been pressured by your female partner to go to the doctor after complaining about symptoms for months without doing anything about it? Has she gone so far as to make an appointment for you and make you go there because you just didn’t care enough? Men die younger and they do so for a reason. Caring about ones health and health issues is also attributed as feminine — after all, if you admit that something’s wrong, you admit a weakness. Toxic masculinity is toxic for everybody and it makes men sick. Self-care feels great. If you feel an itch and it bothers you: have it checked. If you’re in pain (physically and emotionally): get help. It sucks to be in pain, it sucks to see your partner in pain. We don’t want you to suffer and we don’t want you to die. Go to your checkups, invest in your wellbeing — you’re worth it. Women don’t want their men to suffer and they don’t want their men to die.
We want you to feel great.
We love you. And so does feminism.
