I didn’t think my boyfriend had raped me

Auraria Steele
Sep 3, 2018 · 3 min read

and you might not too.

As I drove to school, I felt sick to my stomach. I knew what was wrong. I knew exactly what was wrong. Cars were merging fast but time was slowing down around me.


There’s no way he could have done that to me. I pushed the feeling far into the depths of my mind. A box not to be touched or opened under any circumstance. It happened in other instances. Many other instances. He was someone who was supposed to love me. Who had promised to love me endlessly. Why would he possibly do something like that? He couldn’t have. I was exaggerating it. Making it up. As always, a born liar.


I remember saying “no” and laughing it all off. I remember threatening to scream so his mother would hear. I remember having my hands pinned above my head. I remember waking up with hands down my pyjama pants and up my shirt. I would purposely move his hands away but they’d come right back. One night I threatened to pack up my things and go home. It was the only time he’d truly received the message that it wasn’t what I wanted and actually respected my boundaries.


As I sat with a friend after the break up, I mused about my experiences. She said to me clearly “dude, I don’t want to be the one to say it. But if you said no and he kept going – that was rape.” How could he possibly do that, was my first thought. I drove her home, reeling at the information she’d just told me. I stayed pretty quiet, but the minute I turned out of her driveway I burst into tears. I don’t think I was upset at what had happened at that point, it was more the fact that I had known it was wrong for so long and let him get away with it. That I’d convinced myself he still loved me even after he’d do such hurtful things.


In all of the break up, I was most upset about the fact that it had felt like he didn’t respect me. After this chat with my dear friend I woke up and realised he never respected me at all. No doesn’t mean keep going. It means stop. No doesn’t mean maybe later. It means stop. No doesn’t mean convince me.


After begging and pleading and consistently shoving my hand down his pants I gave in and just went with it. In truth I also beat myself up about that. “Why hadn’t you just been firmer with him?” “You used to stand up for yourself and never let a man dictate your life and you’re just letting him walk all over you.” In a relationship the lines are blurred. Some friends thought maybe I’d just misconstrued what had happened. That couples sometimes jokingly say no and it’s a playful thing. While I don’t doubt this happens, if there is any small part of you that makes you think “this is wrong” or leaves you uneased. Listen to yourself. The little voice in your head or dropping of your heart is a big sign, not to be ignored.


Relationships leave us with rose coloured glasses on. At the best and worst of times too. You know when you’re wearing sunglasses and you can see a little peak of where the glasses don’t cover your whole view? If you keep seeing that in your relationship and you’re seeing big red flags when the glasses start to dip, take a step back and analyse why that is. When it’s someone you love it’s hard to believe they could ever hurt you.


They’ve made a commitment and choice to love and care about you. What part of rape is either of those things? Consent is important between strangers just as much as it is between partners, no matter how long you’ve been together.


If you see the red flags and repaint them in your mind, evaluate where your heart stands. It will save you a whole lot of heart break in the long run.

Auraria Steele
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