Fall Season

Every time we wake up in the morning, we are forced to resume living where we had left off, and there steals over us a dreadful sense of necessity for the continuance of energy in the same wearisome round of habits.

It is not always the case. A person could spend days, months or even years without feeling new but once a door opens, a torrent of bliss could flood in. Life moves so quickly that it has the potential of rushing from reality up to heaven in a matter of seconds (Is it really up? I would like to think it as inward). Sure, it could always also pull us back the same way. Katy Perry describes this phenomenon in ‘Wide Awake’ from her album ‘Teenage Dream’ superbly:

Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet
’Til I woke up on, on the concrete
Falling from cloud nine, crashing from the high

Okay, yeah, it has to be up then.

That makes it ever so exciting, doesn’t it? A sensation parallel to standing at the precipice of a tall mountain, feeling like the champion of the world, where all you see is so breathtaking that it makes you edge closer and closer to what is not crumbling ground anymore but thin air, unconscious of exactly when you would fall into the misty depths, because your eyes and thought are too fixated onto the distant horizon.

What is with me and my analogies of lofty places and falling?

The point is it is about the now. Focus on and relish the detail of that view because you will never get to that vantage point on the tall mountain again. Every second counts. I know the days might be numbered, but that isn’t going to stop me from experiencing.

That’s what I am doing with you right now.

Why, thank you.

The usual I wouldn’t have started off her first post on Medium so childishly romantic (‘Teenage Dream’ would indeed be an appropriate portrayal of this post’s tenor). The usual I would have tried to begin with a post that displays higher thought which Muggles (or mortals) would struggle to grasp. The usual I am not writing now, so the present I shall stop talking about her. I am going to talk about you instead.

We have already thanked each other enough for existing and entering into each others’ life at that precise instant. Anytime before or after would not have resulted in this delight of magic. But I now realise that there is so much more to thank you for. What day other than your birthday would have been perfect to express my gratitude?

Yesterday, we had a conversation about my ego. You told me that I had to learn how to shelf my pride (What have I done to be proud of?) to free my clouded heart from negativity. A few days before that, you brought up the topic on how little our opinions matter to the rest of world. You weren’t referring specifically to anyone, but your words still rang true for me. Both discussions were a slap to each cheek. Though it stung in the beginning, you made me realise that I do not want to become the Narcissist who gazes upon her reflection, defining whatever she sees as a pinnacle of excellence. Instead, I want to work towards achieving high standards of moral greatness (not grandiosity). Anyway, when a teacher (Sorry, Jedi Master?) helps a student discover something, he learns something new too. I hope you did.

Also, you reawakened part of the hedonist that was lying dormant within me for a while. Ironic, isn’t it? Since you don’t buy into this concept at all. But really, it is as if my eyelids has reopened to a world that had been refashioned anew in the darkness for my pleasure, a world in which things would have fresh shapes and colours and sound and texture. You gave me a different perspective, a new way to perceive beauty. Seeing the world through your lens has been an exquisite journey. The more I see, the more I want you to show me.

“I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I’m a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.”
Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

I identify myself with this excerpt a lot. The torment of that duality within me corresponds to the tremendous force from a collision of two stars. But you put up with it and let me be, well, me. The young woman who simply wishes to share and express. Thank you for being the man who listens and, shares and expresses just as well.

Liberated

We are human beings. We are inherently guilty, and that’s why we are terrified when love becomes a possibility.

I was terrified. No longer. I do not possess you and you do not possess me, and we are free in our mutual surrender. That is true freedom — having something without actually owning it.

Whenever, wherever and however this may end, or even if it doesn’t, you liberate me. It is not a free-fall after all, but the beginning of flight.

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