Insomnia Times: Why I Admire Nick Mullen So Much

When I can’t sleep, I’m going to write. Sleeping seems to be getting harder and harder lately…

Here’s what I want to write tonight:

I’m a little afraid that by writing this, and having a massive online audience of 18 followers on Medium, that this may one day cross his desk at The Adam Friedland Show Studios in NYC.

I don’t want my hero to know how much I idolize him, mostly because I’m terrified of being made fun of my him. He’s really good at that kind of thing.

The guy’s name is Nick Mullen. Better known now as Nick Millions, Executive Producer of The Adam Friedland Show. Many may also know him as Nicole Mullen, a “fun mom and a teacher at a retarded school” who wrote transcendent hit blog posts such as 5 “Hot” Actresses That Are Actually Unfuckable Due To Advanced Age and What Your Genitals Might Say About You.

A Brooklyn-based standup comedian who has appeared on both a podcast called Legion of Skanks and a late, late show on Fox News titled Red Eye (where he offered snarky news commentary while sitting next to John Fucking Bolton, a former presidental advisor and possible war criminal), Mullen is most well-known for his wildly populary previous project, Cum Town.

Nick Mullen on Red Eye (The John Bolton Episode) 1/26/17

Yes, it was actually called Cum Town.

It’s insane to think in today’s climate, in which creatively-minded and not creatively-minded folks alike can be cancelled, deplatformed, or shunned in a matter of hours, that a person could break through the criticism with a podcast titled after ejactulate.

Mullen hasn’t just found a way to survive the threat of cancellation, he’s thrived. Truthfully, he’s doing much better than 99% of his would-be cancellers are. Cum Town, and now, The Adam Friedland Show (it’s a long story) is one of the internet’s biggest creative success stories. A show with essentially zero effort put into it and a title that would make any marketing executive queesy, Cum Town/The Adam Friedland Show makes over $100K a month on Patreon. Do the math, that’s over a million dollars annually.

As you can imagine, no reputable podcast network owns or promotes anything resembles Cum Town. But I bet they wish they did. Money, as they say, talks. And as Mullen’s Patreon payouts would say, “You can’t touch this.”

Cancel culture hasn’t caught up to Mullen yet. The reason: his dark, twisted humor resonates with the dark, twisted thoughts that I imagine many of us have but would never say. Mullen is also a master of lampooning the ridiculousness of daily American life.

I mean, come on. The guy wrote a blog post titled A Mommy Blogger’s Love Letter to Iran. It doesn’t get much funnier than picturing a self-important mommy blogger sitting down to voice her incredibly non consequential opinion on the Middle East, as if it would matter or have any reasonable degree of impact. As funny as that picture may be, it feels like it could be real, making the headline itself even more hilarious.

So you kind of get the picture of who this guy is. I’m guessing most people have never heard of Nick Mullen, his humor is just far too unpalatable for a wide audience. You will never ever in a zillion years, see him sharing a silly antetode next to a cackling and likely drunk-off-his-ass Jimmy Fallon on NBC. That panel seat on a major network television will never open for Mullen.

Nick Mullen Portland stand-up clips compilation

But it doesn’t matter. The guy is a millionaire and has a massive following of fans who would gladly chip in $5 a month for a weekly premium episode of Cum Town, or would happily buy a $25 ticket to see him perform live at comedy club.

I would know, I am a subscriber and a ticket holder to see him in Salt Lake City next month.

So I’m a fan, I sheepishly have to admit it from time to time. It seems like “Do you listen to any podcasts?” has become an insufferable mainstay in the line of questioning every bad first dinner date I’ve been on in the last year or so. Maybe I should stop answering “Um…it’s called Cum Town….” Then, I could go on more awful second dates.

But why? Why do I admire the Mull Dog?

Well, I think in today’s climate, when the threat of being rejected or misunderstood looms over the head of anyone who wants to do something creativitely, Mullen shows that not giving a shit about what anyone thinks about you is really the only logical approach. I’ve heard that hustle-porn peddler Gary Vee say the same thing, so I know it’s true.

I wish I was better at that. Even now, I know I’m going to re-read this article to make sure certain words in this article were used rarely and tastefully when deployed.

I don’t think my favorite comedian would care.