Why Democrats Suck

Democrats suck because they don’t know history.

What Democrats know about history is that everyone born before them is a racist, and that’s that. We cannot learn from the past because everyone in the past was a racist. The Founding Fathers? Racists. And if you like them, you’re a racist, too. Democrats might know a little about the 1960s, but only that it was full of racists. The only reason Democrats look into the past is to retroactively label dead people racist and discredit their surviving ideas.

Well, I guess Republicans do the same thing, only with COMMUNISTS. Every historical figure whose ideas Republicans don’t like is a communist, and that’s that. Na-na na-na na-na! I don’t have to listen to you, commie!

Another reason Democrats suck is they’re so dramatic. Trump’s a fascist! My life is in danger! He’s the new Hitler!

They sound just like Republicans in 2008, gnashing their teeth and rending their garments after Obama won: Oh no! The Muslim Kenyan Socialist is going to destroy America!

The third reason Democrats suck: they’re so partisan. The only reason Democrats care about Russia interfering with the election is because it was to Hillary’s detriment. They wouldn’t give a shit if it hurt Trump. They’re driven entirely by partisan self-interest.

And for the same reason, Republicans suddenly respect Vladimir Putin: he helped their guy win the election. Putin played those Republican idiots like fiddles and realized their nationalist saber rattling was all talk; they’d gladly welcome Russian manipulation in an American election on their behalf.

Fourth, when it comes to tolerance, Democrats are the worst.

They’ll object: It’s Republicans who are bigots! We’re tolerant! But Democrats are just as intolerant of other ideas as Republicans are of other cultures. Democrats love diverse groups as long as everyone voted for Hillary.

And what is a safe space but a way to hide from the truth? The country has never been safer and more tolerant, yet young Democrats need safe spaces.

They’re like Republicans, retreating to their talk radio/Fox News bunker to avoid ideas they don’t like. Oh, Rush, make the mean people go away!

Democrats are the same way: John Oliver, Jon Stewart, please oh please DESTROY all the bad guys!

And Democrats are so credulous, too. They will parrot any lie as long as it makes them feel smug and smart and confirms their existing biases. Right-wing talk radio does the same thing: interpret something a Democrat said in the most malicious and evil way possible, then repeat the lie to no end because partisans will believe any lie if they want it to be true.

Here’s an example of Democrats believing what they want:

“Mike Pence wants to electrocute gays!”

No, he doesn’t.

But Democrats kinda wish he did. If the Vice President actually wants to electrocute gay people, then Democrats can get hysterical.

They love being hysterical.

Just like Republicans, deep down, love being angry. And like Republicans, Democrats ain’t gonna let the truth get in their way.

And that’s why Democrats suck so much: they’re just like Republicans.