The Most Beer Worthy Candidates
Presidential Hopefuls Rated in Beers
By Austin Sorette
The American people like to complain about President Trump for the wrong reasons. Putting kids in cages, defacing official National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration maps with black sharpie, or holding military aid hostage for a foreign country in exchange for a political advantage, all these issues skirt around the root of his unlikability.
The truth is, however, there is only one reason that we could even fathom removing this man from office: the guy is simply not someone you can go get a beer with. And how can you? The man doesn’t even drink!
Luckily, we have a new crop of folks who we can fantasize about grabbing a beer with. We’ll see plenty of people on the ballot next year who we can just casually throw out an invitation out to grab some suds after work, no pressure, just thought we’d ask because we don’t have to pick up the kids this afternoon and the spouse is planning on cooking something that’s gonna take a lot of prep time, so there’s a window.
In playing this scenario out in my head, I’ve decided to rate each candidate on a scale of one to six beers. Here are the ratings for the candidates:
Joe Biden
Here’s the problem. At the time this article was being written, Biden was just caught on type challenging a Warren-supporter to a push-up contest and an IQ contest, all because the guy was critical of his son. That’s funny as shit, but I’ve been around too many people who get a few cold boys into their systems and start looking for trouble to know I don’t need that in a president, let alone a drinking buddy.
In a way, I respect that Biden doesn’t drink. But frankly, if he did, I’d need to know where he would be in order to avoid that place for the rest of the night.
Beer Rating: One Beer
Elizabeth Warren
Elizabeth Warren, the Senator from Massachusetts, has some of the most radical ideas from creating a wealth tax to canceling student loan debt to breaking up big tech companies.
With each freshly poured pint comes a new system that Warren is set to take down, and, fuck, if she’s gonna keep insisting we do another round so she can finish her point, I ain’t gonna say no! The only time I could see Warren letting up is in between drinks when she starts telling stories about all the craft breweries in Massachusetts, and how Treehouse Brewing “really isn’t far from our house” (even though she’s been ordering Bud Light all night).
Unfortunately, she deserves a better rating, but some people who would also be great to smoke pot have a reduced standing (see: Cory Booker). Too much beer, too much pot, and too much talk about the inner workings of the healthcare will make your head spin.
Beer Rating: Four Beers
Bernie Sanders
Like Biden, the Vermont Senator doesn’t drink either, which is unfortunate. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, and I’d entertain his healthcare talk for a beer maybe, but Bernie has such a calculated solution for such a complex problem. I feel like I would be constantly tuning out to decide whether I want to spend the extra money for another pint or lie my way home and crack open a crispy boy on my couch and watch digestible clips of him and his ideas.
Beer Rating: Two Beers
Pete Buttegieg
When we go out to drink, there should always be a chance it could get out of hand and make for a memorable night. I can’t have Mayor Pete see me drink and think I’m into Medicare for All Who Want It for the right reasons.
Beer Rating: One Beer
Andrew Yang
Andrew Yang is a sleeper pick. I could see us going out for a couple of pops, and when the bartender asks us for a third, we look at each other with Cheshire Cat-like smiles, waiting for the other person to say what we both want.
Sure, the conversation would start with his commitment to establishing government-funded universal basic income, but I’m sure it would deescalate into babbling back and forth about the tech industry and some of the fucked-up things that go on in that area of the world.
Shit, after six beers, I bet he and I would stumble out of the joint talking about becoming the leaders of a brand new country and setting up a time next weekend to start drafting a plan. But come Saturday morning, he doesn’t text me, and frankly I’m kind of relieved.
Beer Rating: Six Beers
Amy Klobuchar
This evaluation comes with a bit of an awkward tuck at the ol’ collar. One of Klobuchar’s main campaign promises is to combat drug and alcohol addiction with a $100 billion-dollar plan.
Yet, once in a blue moon, I could definitely see Klobuchar and us going out for a few pops, talking about Netflix shows we like, and then going to find a karaoke bar in town. Her Minnesota roots make her seem like someone who cuts loose from time to time and tie one off. My first duet choice? “Purple Rain”.
Beer Rating: Five Beers.
Cory Booker
Cory Booker, the Senator from New Jersey, on the surface seems like the type of person I can go get a beer with. He’s got a chill demeanor and is behind a lot of issues that require some pretty complex discussion like expanding affordable housing and closing the racial wealth gap.
But after the last debate, when he roasted Joe Biden for being so out of touch about marijuana legalization, I feel like our time would be better spent passing around a joint and listening to some instrumentals while we chat about mass incarceration. Talking about police reform is cool when you’re hanging out in the safety of your own home under the light of Himalayan Pink Salt lamp, but it kind of kills my buzz when we’re doing something legal.
Beer Rating: Two Beers.
Tusi Gabbard
As an Army National Guard veteran, the congresswoman from Hawaii Tusli Gabbard has made a splash for her commitment for the US to stay out of foreign wars and continue peace-talks with Asian countries such as North Korea and Syria.
I’d be down to grab a beer with her because I’m interested in what she has to say, but frankly, I’m more of domestics type of guy anyways. I don’t know anything about imported beers, let alone imported political issues. The first beer would be pretty engaging, but by the second one, I’d be nodding politely and wishing she would stop the war of this conversation and allow me, like the troops, to return home.
Beer Rating: Two Beers
Tom Steyer
Look. The man is a Johnny-come-lately, and we still don’t know that much about him I suppose. But even with the amount of ad space he gets on YouTube, I bet you he would have had no idea what kind of shit I watch. His ads aren’t targeted; he’s just so rich that he can blanket the website with his campaign ads. We would therefore have nothing to talk about, and if I’m not having a chat over a pint, I’d probably strike up a conversation with the bartender until he kind of goes away.
Also, if he really is a billionaire, he should be the one who pays. I don’t make money writing shit like this.
Beer Rating: One Beer