From Seeking to Listening — A Shift
A note: If you found yourself here, hi! Know I am smiling for the fact that you are interested in my life, decisions and what I have to say. Appreciate you!
An update: I have been seeking my entire life (a lot of the time unknowingly). And something recently has awakened within me. I like to think it was my consciousness.
Even when you think you are “done” you aren’t. This life is forever about learning. A concept easy to grasp but terribly threatening to the ego when actually applied. The actualization came when I started to question my decision making. When I started having a conversation with myself about what I actually desired in this life. When I started asking why.
Previously, on the search for things that would fill me up, those things would turn to people, people turned to places, and in short, my move to Hawaii insinuated. Almost as if on autopilot. Making decisions based on external factors and ideas attached to said place.
Naturally, however I was struck with new inspiration, motivation, and excitement. I could not wait to take off to the island. To leave. To experience a different kind of setting. A land that seemed to value just what I do. A new adventure.
As my departure approached I would spend days thinking about what life would be like there. For some reason the same excitement I once held dissipated. Circumstances and surroundings yes would be different, but I would be doing the same thing I am doing now. The same soul-centered work I have created with I AM, the same goofy-ass videos I can only hope inspire people to let go just a little bit, the same movement and flow I have come to love, building the same meaningful connections I attract, etc.
Did this make Hawaii less appealing? No. Did it take away the false idealized idea that was brewing in my head? Certainly.
The shiny halo around this move began to dim. Did I actually want to go? Even asking that question made me feel shameful, “Of course I do! Who wouldnt!?” True true, Abby but is your gut telling you to go. What is for you there? Listen.
The past three months, three months of pure transit, without a home base, without a lease, without anything tying me down, with everything I own in my car, have been transformative, to say the least. Refreshing. My relationship with myself has flourished and my relationship with God has finally made itself known.
My seeking feels it has subsided, not to say I am not fully committed to a life full of learning, merely to say I have found the missing piece I have always been looking for. And with it came freedom foreign to me. Freedom to make decisions for myself, by myself. Freedom to listen to the call that was in my heart. And most importantly, freedom to trust that.
A lot of processing happened especially being in Oregon (a place that many of you know, has my heart) and in short, I have decided against moving to Hawaii at this time. Not right now. If I am meant to be there I certainly will be. But currently, as it stands, and as I have reflected upon it, it was merely a plan to escape, one that sufficed in the eyes of many. That satisfied. That was good enough. And that’s not what I’m here to do, folks. :)
That being said, I am now learning to distinguish between the old limiting belief systems that are holding me back + my true desires. My listening skills are sharpening, my knowing is inherent, and my heart is saying no to the move. In the past, I have resorted to moving away (to new cities, spaces, etc.) as a coping mechanism or symbol of a fresh start, (aka just more seeking) which in some cases worked and I am so grateful for the experiences that came with. For now, I am actively listening to pull in my heart telling me not to go. For I know it is not one rooted in fear, but in knowing.
My move to Hawaii was for me, but for the wrong reasons. Was I doing what I wanted? Or what sounded good? Where do I want to be? What do I value? Where do I thrive? What am I looking for? What ideas are attached to Hawaii and why? And the main reason for moving there was to live in a place that valued health + wellness, and to satisfy the needs of others wanting to know what my “plan” is. Uhmmmm…what!
And though that is amazing and truly worthy of awe — I am committed to inspiring that kind of culture everywhere, all around the world. One of true health and acceptance. One of truth and love. One where we are rooted in our identities and self. So that is where I am putting my energy. My dream, my desire, my passion in this life is to empower others and I have been blessed with the tools and an incredible business whose focus is just that. So instead of chasing this idea of what I want, I am going after what it is I truly desire, deep in my bones.
Don’t get me wrong, this was a pill that was kind of tough to swallow. A decision that let all of those other false belief systems rise once again, in attempts to paralyze me. Much like when I left my job at the printing press. Let the opinions of others come rushing in, along with anxiety, doubt, disappointment and disbelief amirite? Not only was this a lesson in making conscious decisions but releasing the opinions and expectations of others.
But man, I am damn proud of the fact that I can change my mind, not be attached to the idea of something, make decisions by and for myself, and further, not be attached to someone ELSE’S idea of me. This is MINE to follow. I am proud to be following the dream of mine that is connected to my core values and purpose. Hawaii for the time being felt off of that path.
And my heart is being pulled elsewhere. I am not running, I am sitting with this feeling of pure gratitude and overwhelmed by the amount of love and ease that I have finally reached. And furthermore, I am listening.
And if you are struggling with a former decision or plan that just isn’t sitting right with you, here is your sign to rethink. Consciously this time. To take your power back. To know that you get to write this story and anyone shaming you for doing something different than their expectations of you can kindly go fly a kite. :) You should never feel ashamed for following your heart, babes. You have full permission to grow, shift, and change your mind. And I hope, if nothing else, that this glimpse into my processing allows you to look inward for yourself.
So my PNWers I’m sticking around. And I’m committing to what truly fills me up. And allowing that to change and grow as it should.
So much love to y’all! Cheers to the journey!
Abby
