Autistic Psychedelic Stories: “The Wave” By Thomas
Shared anonymously to autismonacid@gmail.com. Reshared here, with permission. More about the intersection of psychedelics & autism @ http://autisticpsychedelic.com
“Hi Aaron, my name is Thomas, I am in my thirties and I am from Germany. I read your excellent book and could relate to many things you wrote about, because just one year ago I had my first LSD-trip and for the first time some things became clear and intuitive to me.
But let me tell you about my backstory first: My whole life I knew something is “not right” with me. I never was able to truly connect with anybody. I was only able to talk about facts. Communication for me was just an exchange of information (I send information, I receive information) — nothing more. Question like “Hey, what’s up?” or “How are you?” resulted in an error in my brain (because that was no information) and with time I learned to just say a memorized sentence, without any emotion, just for the sake of an acceptable answer. As a child I already realized that people find me weird, some were even bullying me, and always wondered why, because it didn’t make any sense: I was always friendly, was good in school and never was a bully etc. I was always very good at Math and logical thinking but in my puberty this wasn’t enough anymore to be accepted in my class. I instinctively knew that “normal kids” had some kind of special connection with each other and could sense their emotions and intuitions but never could understand how they do this. I thought, maybe I just need more time to develop — that I am just a “late- bloomer” and my time will finally come to have some cool friends and a girlfriend. But in my 20s I realized that something was “not OK” with me. While studying at the university I was mostly alone. To work with new groups of people was a nightmare, and sometimes I am wondering today how I managed to accomplish all this… I was researching a lot on the internet. Finally, after years of reading about depression, autism, personality disorders etc. I was 99% sure, that I am autistic because the more I read about this condition, the more sense my whole life made to me (I was also diagnosed with ADHD when I was 10 and again when I was 31 — my official autism-diagnosis is still pending…).
Now to the “good part”: 2 years ago I ordered LSD and started microdosing which helped me a bit. My mind was clearer and I could talk better, my voice was stronger. But sometimes it didn’t work and I had kind of a blurry view and was irritated by mediocre things. So it was a fifty-fifty-chance if it works or not.
After 1 year I had the courage to finally try a big dose (100ug). And it was a very good trip! I was with my mother and brother and during the trip I started to realize some things. I felt that energy, which I called “wave”, this was the natural way life formed itself. And I also could identify when this wave was not there — when the situation was artificial and not natural. For example: My brother saw me and was making fun of me when he realized that I was tripping. But I immediately realized that this was only his brain making fun of me (because he used logic to make a bad joke) and I felt that this isn’t real, I said to him “this is not the wave, this was like a hard edge for me” — it was not good. While talking to them I realized how much their brain got in the way and blocked the “wave”. I tried to explain to them that all is natural and they laughed because they (or: their logical brain) couldn’t make any sense of what I was saying. I then realized that all problems stem from the fact, that people have their brain “in their way” which doesn’t allow the flow, or the wave, to form. I then talked to my mother and explained that if any mentally ill person was in that state, I was in, then their anxiety-disorder or PTSD or whatever would instantly dissolve, because these things only existed in the brain, which aren’t real — because there is ONLY energy, the wave. This realization was very extreme and it suddenly was so easy. I also could watch them in the eyes without feeling discomfort.
The days after the first trip ended, I realized that I had some permanent changes (until today): For whatever reason my stamina got better. I could run farther than the week before and going up some stairs, didn’t make me as exhausted as before — weird (This is no placebo btw. because I surely didn’t expect that, but after the first 4 stairs I must go up to my home I thought “hm.. my breath is absolutely calm and normal, strange…”) But the best thing is: I am not getting a meltdown anymore, when I hear sudden loud noises. Before, when I heard a dog barking outside or a loud car or a door slammed or someone dropped a plate, I was getting very angry, almost raging — especially if I tried to concentrate. This is 100% gone. Today when there is a loud noise anywhere it doesn’t “hurt” anymore, I am totally calm. This second example is a proof that something MUST have changed in my brain. The sensory input got better, my synapses can handle loud noises much, much better.
One bitter-sweet thing with the LSD-trips is, that as you come down from the high, you slowly realize that the effects are gone and that the autistic mind takes over again. But the insights I got will stay with me forever.
Final words: LSD for me was a wonderful experience. I got to know the energy, the wave, that is out there, that helps people to bond with each other. It always has to be natural and easy — I could feel, what is was like, to be neurotypical. But sadly LSD also showed me that I have a “defect” brain, that I just couldn’t get in this state while sober, because the logical part of my brain is WAY too strong. Also my emotions were not activated, I still feel very numb, as if I am dreaming my life.
Just like you Aaron, I think there must be much more research. We have to know what brain regions are involved in autism and how we can manipulate them for therapeutic use. But one thing makes me very hopeful: The fact that my brain was ABLE to experience this natural energy, without having the logical brain in the way. That means that I have the right synapses, but they are just wrongly programmed. I really hope psychedelics will be reclassified so that at least the researchers can make fast progress.
Greetings from Germany.
Thomas”
More about the intersection of psychedelics & autism @ http://autisticpsychedelic.com
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