I want.

How do people just know how they feel? How are you always constantly sure of your emotions, of what you feel towards people, of your opinions and beliefs? I am always unsure and I’m not sure if that’s a human thing or a me thing.

I do know that I’m different than most people and it’s what I struggle with most. It’s nights like these that ruin me. Piling up bags of my belongings to throw out, listening to the same song on repeat for hours, falling to the floor in tears. It’s not understanding what’s going on, it’s realizing I could feel completely opposite of what I thought I was feeling, it’s not even knowing how I feel at all. It’s all repetitive yet happening all the time. My mind feels like it’s going to explode. I feel like I want to disappear yet I don’t even know what that means. Where do I want to go? Where could I possibly belong when I feel like I don’t belong in my own head?

Do you know what it feels like to want to want? Not wanting anything, but wanting to want things. I wish I could actually want friendships. I wish I wanted a relationship. I wish I wanted to have friends, to experience happiness, to meet people and enjoy things and go places. Not only do I wish I did that, but I wish I actually wanted that. I wish I wanted a real life. I want to want normalcy so badly. I want to know what it feels like.

I’m all over the place. I know what I need to do but I can’t even make myself do it. I can’t make myself do anything. I don’t even feel human at this point. I’ve let this get too bad.