Dear travelers,

A very important notice.

If you’re reading this, it means I’m long gone.

Maybe intelligent lifeforms took me and are using me as the perfect human specimen. Maybe my helmet shattered in a great fall and I was sucked out into the blackness of space. Maybe I starved to death. Maybe it took you all so long to get here that I died peacefully of old age, looking fondly back on my years in Cincinnati and drinking toasts to the rise and fall of NASA.

No matter how I went, though, there are three things you need to know if you intend to sucessfully colonize Novo-11.

The first is this: Do not go outside. The air outside the base is not only toxic but acidic, and if even a molecule of it enters the base, it will kill you all. Going outside is a near impossibility. All maintenance must be done remotely.

The second: The Venus-33 mission was a lie. Perpetuated by the U.S. government and over sixteen major corporations, it was devised in order to distract the general public from other issues plaguing the nation. Do not believe what they have told you. Do not believe that you will ever return. Do not believe that earth will be there if you do return.

The third: I am not human. My name is actually A1–45291H. I am an artificial intelligence developed by James Weiller in 2022. I am the captain of this vessel, and all requests must be submitted via the console in the central control room.

And a bonus…

Just kidding about items one through three, and about being dead. Please keep the base clean, and take your shoes off before entering the living quarters. Breakfast is at first rotation, dinner’s at fourth rotation.

Please enjoy your stay on Novo-11. I should be around this afternoon to welcome you to your new planet.

Captain Amelia Fridd, P.h.D.”