Dilemma.
(29th April 2016)
(I typed this on Monday.)
I’m really struggling at the church I’ve been attending. I’ve been struggling for quite a while now. It has reached the point where I now dread the thought of going to church. My stomach will lurch and I will feel dizzy. When I do go to church I come home so upset I feel like I will die, and I often do want to die.
This past week has been particularly difficult. I have been struggling just to function and need a lot of help. I feel very mentally, physically and emotionally unwell.
It is all church-related stuff which is troubling me. This has obviously raised the question of whether to stay at the church, or whether to leave. It is a decision I am currently finding very difficult to make.
It reminds me of a situation I was in last year before I moved to where I am now living. I had been experiencing harassment and intimidation from a neighbour for two years. It had affected me badly. I was very unwell from the stress and lived in constant fear. The police were involved, but it was down to the council to do something about it. Unfortunately, they were only interested in doing the easy thing, which was to move me.
I resisted. I didn’t want to move. I loved my flat, the area, and the people I had gotten to know. I wanted to stay where I was. I wanted the problem to be sorted, but unfortunately that just wasn’t happening, no matter how hard I or the police tried.
It reached the point where I was terrified at home. I was a nervous wreck. I became so mentally unwell that the police had to keep coming to speak to me, ambulances had to attend, I was self-harming, was admitted into hospital twice, and came close to jumping into a canal. And yet I still didn’t want to leave.
The police were urging me to move, as were the medical professionals. The police kept taking me to my parents, telling me to stay with them until I found somewhere else to live. I would agree to the plan, realising that I just couldn’t do it any more…until the following morning, when I would get up and convince myself that I could go back, that I would be fine, that I just needed to try harder and cope.
So I would go back, fall to pieces, the police and an ambulance would come…and the cycle repeated itself over and over for a long time, with things steadily getting worse.
Can you believe it? I was prepared to kill myself, and yet I still thought things would be fine and that I could cope if I just tried harder.
I was in a dilemma. I just couldn’t make up my mind. I couldn’t decide what to do, whether to stay or whether to leave.
It was only one morning that I finally made the decision. Nothing dramatic had happened. But after hours of stress and fear, I quietly realised that I truly couldn’t do it. I couldn’t cope. I sent a text to my mom and asked if I could stay with her until I found a new place to live. She said yes, I packed some things, left…and I never looked back after that. Once I had made that decision, it was final. I didn’t look back or doubt.
I moved, and it was very hard at first, very painful. I missed my old flat, the area, the people, all of it. It hurt. But I came through it.
So back to the present day…it feels like I am in a similar situation with this church. I find it destructive to my wellbeing. I find it extremely distressing to go, and I come back wanting to die. Yet I keep going back. I can’t seem to let go. I can’t seem to make a decision either way about what to do.
I think this is the most frustrating and difficult part. Once a decision is made and it is final, it is done. You just have to move forward. But this is horrible. The uncertainty, the doubt, the hesitation.
I have struggled to cope this past week. I have phoned the Samaritans several times. I have phoned the Crisis Team several times. An ambulance came on Friday. A therapist came today. I have been physically and mentally sick. All over the same issue. The church issue.
There are problems I am experiencing within the church which seem unsolvable. I seem to just have to try and cope with it. And that is what I am trying to do. Just like last year, I give myself pep talks, telling myself that I will be fine, that I will cope, that I just need to try harder and it will be okay. It is like I forget exactly how bad things were and how much I struggled to cope after I last attended. So I go back to church…and come back even lower and more despairing than before. I also feel so far away from God.
And of course, there are certain things I would miss if I were to leave. Certain people (only a few, but I would miss them nonetheless), the convenience (the church is only up the road), the familiarity, etc. So there seem to be reasons to hold on. But then there are also major reasons to let go.
I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know what decision to make. I want to do what God wants me to do. I am praying to God and asking him for guidance. If he wants me to stay where I am, then I want to stay. But if he wants me to go, then I am ready to go.
Maybe I need to just pause and spend time with God, rather than trying to make a decision either way. It is so tempting to carry on as normal and go to church as usual, but as the therapist asked me today, do I really want to keep putting myself through that? It is like having a wound, and each time I go to church it is ripped open again. I try to recover and regain normal function, and the wound starts to heal…until I go back to church and it is ripped open again.
I am trying to concentrate on doing what is important. So, I am trying to focus on staying well, taking my medications, eating, taking care of my physical health, spending time with God, etc. I have been struggling with all of those things lately. And I am asking God for guidance.
It is hard, because last year there were no bolts of lightning. There was no sudden revelation, no flashing neon sign telling me what to do. I basically just struggled on until I reached a point where I gave in, I surrendered, and I let go of my tight grip on the situation. I waved the white flag and let go.
I wish the answer would come loud and clear. I so wish there was a flashing neon sign showing me the way. But things don’t seem to happen that way.
I don’t know what to do. To be honest, I am prepared to leave. But I don’t want to just walk away without at least trying one more time to see if things can be improved. For now, I will just hang on.
God, please help me. Let your will be done.
