I Surrender To Jesus.
(5th March 2016)
Even though I’ve been a Christian for a while, was recently baptised, and have generally been trying hard, I have been struggling to really get to know Jesus, and struggling to completely surrender my life to him.
In a way, I had wanted to surrender my life to God. But at the same time, I hadn’t. I was hesitant. I was holding back. There was still a part of me which wanted to hold on to my own ways of doing things, my old life, and myself. I didn’t quite want to let go. I still wanted to do things by myself, in my own way.
But things had been becoming increasingly difficult in my life, and on Wednesday I had a day of great distress. I hadn’t had a day like that for a long time. I struggled, I fought, I held on, but it was a losing battle. I don’t want to say exactly what happened on that day, but by the evening I was on my knees in the living room, sobbing so hard that I was struggling to control my breathing. It felt like I had reached the end of everything. It felt as though I was dying. I realised I had made a mess of everything. I had made a mess of my relationships with people, and I had made a mess of my life, and I no longer wanted it. I realised that I cannot do it. I cannot live my life. All I do is make a mess of it. I cannot do it.
A friend came over and helped me, and I am really grateful to her for that. I had managed to calm down and was thinking more clearly. And that night, before going to bed, I did it. I completely surrendered everything to Jesus. I knelt down in the kitchen and gave my life to him, as messy, torn, tangled, and battered as it is. I almost felt bad for giving him such a mess! But I know he can make something good out of it. I know he can transform it.
And since then, I have been feeling different. I have finally found him. I have finally found Jesus. I can feel him here with me, and even when I can’t I know he is still there. I no longer feel alone. I know I am never on my own. He is living with me.
I feel a sense of acceptance that I’ve never felt before. I know Jesus wants to change me, but I also know he accepts me as I am right now. No matter what other people may think of me, even if everyone else rejects me, I know that he accepts me, and that his opinion is the only one that matters. I also know that he understands me completely, even if nobody else does. He gets me, if that makes sense, and it is such a relief to know that somebody does.
It is as though there has been a mental shift in my head. Like the furniture in my head has been re-arranged, and now Jesus is in the centre, where he should be. I haven’t done anything to make that happen. It has just happened. I finally feel a sense of freedom and peace, because I know that I don’t need anyone or anything other than him. Even if I lost everything and everyone in my life, it would be okay, because I’d still have Jesus. I know he won’t leave me. He is the only one I am sure about, the only one I know can be completely trusted.
And even though I have still been crying a lot, it is different. I am upset, but I am no longer in despair. I still have hope. Jesus is my hope and my light, my future. I know that he is always here with me.
I am still getting to know Jesus, and I know that is a process which will always last. But I feel such a sense of relief and freedom, and I am really thankful to God for bringing me closer to him. Even though that Wednesday was horrible, it actually turned out to be wonderful, because I found Jesus on that day. So I am grateful to God for allowing it all to happen, for bringing me to the end of myself so I could find him and surrender to him. I know I can be stubborn and strong-willed, so I can see how God would have needed to do something hard in order for me to finally give in and let go.
I don’t know where my life will go from here, but I know God is in control and I am asking him to lead me. I have also asked him to heal my relationships, and I know he will do it in his own time and in his own way.
I feel like I just want to tell everyone about it! I’ve found him. I’ve finally found him! And I am building a relationship with him. Even through my tears I have hope, comfort and peace, because I know he is with me and he is on my side. I know he has good plans for the future.
I can’t really explain exactly how all of this has happened. I didn’t actually do anything myself, other than surrender. Jesus did the rest.
I am so thankful to God. I am so thankful to you, Jesus, for bringing me to yourself. Thank you so much for all you’ve done. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you.