Jesus Speaks.
(14th March 2016)
My relationship with Jesus has been improving. I have been feeling closer to him and have been talking to him a lot, about anything and everything. And he has been speaking to me a lot too. I would like to type up a few things he has spoken to me about, so I can remember when I start to struggle or wonder if he is there.
The first thing happened a short while back now. I was talking to Jesus and telling him that I felt like the odd one out at church. I felt that I didn’t fit, that there was no place for me there, and that I had no useful function. I felt like I was a hindrance, and I honestly thought that everyone would be better off if I left completely.
I told Jesus all of this and I asked him to speak to me about it. A short while later I opened my Bible and started to read. I was reading 1 Corinthians, chapter 12, and it was about the body of Christ, and how we are all a part of that body. Verse 15 says, “Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.” That really helped me, because I had been comparing myself unfavourably to other people in the church, thinking about the things they seemed able to do and the qualities they possessed, things which I didn’t seem to have. I started to think that, okay, I may not be the same as everyone else, but that doesn’t mean I am not a part of the body.
Verse 18 says, “But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.” That made me think that God has made me the way I am, because he wants me to be the way I am.
Verses 21–22 say, “The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable…” Reading that made me think that actually, I am needed in the church. In fact, if I was to leave I would be doing a disservice to everyone! I realised that God does have a place for me in the church and a function, some purpose to fulfil, no matter how small it may be. I felt really encouraged by this, and I thanked Jesus for speaking to me so directly about this issue.
The next thing Jesus spoke to me about was…my hair! I had gone for a haircut last Monday, and it was somebody I don’t usually have who cut my hair. I got home and I hated it. I phoned them back up and told them, and they booked me in to see the lady who usually cuts my hair. I was to go back on Wednesday afternoon.
In the meantime, I felt really upset about my hair. I know it probably sounds so small and petty! But I was upset about it nonetheless. I told Jesus about it, knowing it was a petty thing to be upset about. I then switched on the radio, and the topic suddenly turned to…hair! The men were talking about how people can go to great lengths over hair, and they were asking — why bother? Why is it so important? I really felt that God was speaking to me about how upset I was about my hair, telling me that it isn’t such a huge deal.
But he gave me even more confirmation and comfort about it. I am reading a book which has a daily devotional, and the page for that day was about beauty. The scripture was 1 Peter 3:3–4. The Living Bible version says, “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on jewellery, or beautiful clothes, or hair arrangement. Be beautiful inside, in your heart, with the lasting charm of a gentle and quiet spirit which is so precious to God.” I was completely amazed! Jesus knew I was upset about my hair, and even though I thought it was a silly and petty thing to be troubled about, he still spoke to me about it and comforted me. I tried hard to obey him, to not worry about my hair or my appearance until it finally got sorted out on the Wednesday.
And the final thing I’d like to type up is something which has literally just happened. As I said in my previous journal entry, I struggle so much with feelings of guilt and condemnation. Even though Jesus spoke to me about it through the sermon on Sunday, it is something I know I really need help with. Even today, I have been feeling guilty and disappointed with myself.
I received a devotional by e-mail and opened it not long ago. It is titled, “God’s Grace Covers Your Guilt.” I read it, and it is pretty much an echo of what was said about guilt and condemnation in the sermon on Sunday. Things like, “God doesn’t want you to walk around feeling guilty. That’s why God sent Jesus to the cross to die for all your sins.” “God doesn’t have to judge you because Jesus was judged. God doesn’t have to condemn you because Jesus took your condemnation.” It says that yes, we will still sin. We will still make mistakes. But Jesus has paid the price for those failures. That means we don’t need the guilt.
I have once again thanked Jesus for speaking to me about this. I know I need to really trust what he is saying to me, and try to let the guilt go. It is so difficult though. Guilt just feels so natural to me. In fact, I feel guilty if I don’t feel guilty! I suppose I think that I should feel guilty.
But God is clearly telling me that the guilt isn’t coming from him, and that he doesn’t want me to be feeling this way. He doesn’t want me to try and carry this heavy load.
I will keep praying to God about this and asking for his help. But I am so amazed and thankful about how he is speaking to me about all of this.
So through all of this I am learning that God is listening to us, he cares about the things which are troubling us, even if they seem silly, and he speaks to us in clear and direct ways. God is also giving me a lot of reassurance when I start to doubt, and I am thankful for his patience with me.
God, thank you for how you are speaking to me. Thank you that you care about me and the things that trouble me, even the small things. Thank you for speaking to me.
