Lost…And Trying To Find Myself.
(8th June 2016)
After taking a break from church for about a month, I have recently been going when I’ve felt able to. I went to a prayer meeting two weeks ago. I’ve been to two of the groups on a Wednesday afternoon. And I went to the evening service on Sunday. It has been okay. I just feel full of guilt over everything. I feel like I have completely messed everything up, and destroyed certain relationships.
But the break away from church has also given me some perspective and got me thinking about things. And one of the things I have discovered is this: I don’t know who I am.
I really want to please people and keep people happy. I am afraid of disapproval or of people disliking me. So I find I try to morph myself into whoever people want or expect me to be.
If somebody views me as a vulnerable, fragile child, I will act in a helpless, confused sort of way. If someone sees me as a strong person, I will be more confident around them. If somebody thinks I am really funny, I will try to be entertaining and humorous. And so on. Basically I will try to live up to, or act up to, their view of me. I hate it at times. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with how I am behaving, knowing it is not really me, but I feel unable to break free.
I know we are all a bit different depending on who we are with. We might speak differently to a child compared to an adult. We might behave differently with our parents compared to how we behave around our friends. We might be different at work compared to how we are at home.
I get that. I get that we all have to adjust to certain situations. But I think there is generally a certain amount of consistency in a person. And I’m not sure whether I have that.
I feel transparent and shaky. If I believe something, but then someone comes along and disagrees with me, I will question my belief. If I feel a certain way and somebody says I shouldn’t, I will doubt the validity of my feeling. If I want to do something but someone disapproves, I will feel deflated and crushed, and will probably not do what I had wanted to do. If I don’t want to do something but someone says I should, I will do it to please them. I will also question and doubt my thoughts, motives, ideas, opinions, and feelings in the process.
After a while I start to feel resentful and pushed around by other people, whether they mean to do that or not. I also feel a tremendous amount of confusion. It’s like I lose myself in other people. I feel like I blend into them, merge into them, until I can no longer tell where I am, who I am, or what I think or feel. All I know is what they want, expect, think, and feel.
In some ways, this is what has been happening with people at church. I have felt pressured to do things I didn’t want to do. People have assumed I am a certain way without even getting to know me first. People have judged me based on appearances. So they have treated me in certain ways, and I have gone along with it, feeling unable to assert a different stance.
And I have lost myself. I don’t know who I am. Like the girl in the dreams, I am lost. And just like in the dreams, I am trying to find myself.
I have always been fairly quiet. I have always preferred my own company. But I can be confident and bold at times too. I am quite independent and able to get things done.
But when I walk into that church, it is like all of the strength and confidence drains away from me, and I feel terrified, weak, helpless, and vulnerable. Accordingly, people try to protect me, shelter me, talk gently to me, and treat me like I am a delicate flower.
In a way it is nice. But after a while…I don’t know. I’m getting sick of it. I feel patronised. I know this is not me. Not all of me anyway. I know I can be strong. I know I can be confident. So why do I change when I walk into that church? How can I remain strong and stable? How can I retain a sense of self when I am with people?
But then, how can I retain a sense of self when I am not sure who my “self” is? How can I be myself when I don’t know who I am? Am I timid, shy Sam? Am I confident, strong Sam? Am I funny, silly Sam? Am I angry, dark Sam? Am I gentle, delicate Sam? Who am I? Which one am I? Am I none of them? Or am I mixture of all of them?
In a way it is like having an assortment of masks. I put on a different mask depending on who I am with. The thing is, I don’t even realise I am doing it. I don’t realise I am wearing a mask. If I were to take all of the masks off, how would I know? How would I know that I am wearing no mask? What would that look like? What would I look like?
A therapist told me I can be whoever I want to be, but I disagree. I want to be who God has made me to be. So who am I in God?
I have asked him, and I know he will answer me and show me.
I know I need to become stronger in God in order to cope with being around people. I don’t want to go on being a chameleon any longer. But until I know who I am, I cannot be myself either.
I trust God, and I will wait on him.
