The Tattered Tapestry.
(15th May 2016)
I feel so sad and lost.
I remember when I had only just started attending the church I’d been going to. I think it was on the second Sunday evening service I went to when something happened. I was sitting there, tearful as always, listening to the sermon, feeling irritated because another young woman had decided to sit with me. I felt miserable and just wanted to be left alone. I felt completely off course in my life and my journey with God. To be honest, I just wanted to die and asked God every day for death.
The pastor was offering the chance to re-dedicate one’s life to God, to re-commit to him and his will. If we wanted to do that, he asked that we would stand up.
I can’t explain what prompted me, but it was like I suddenly felt a kick inside. Something “kicked” me, and I felt a sudden surge of determination. I quite literally leapt to my feet and stood there crying, partly taking in what the pastor was saying, and partly experiencing something else entirely. Although I was crying, I felt power coursing through me. I felt hot, and I was completely dripping with sweat. Suddenly I was given a different perspective of things. I saw things and people as God saw them, not as I did.
People flashed through my mind. People I saw at the bus stop, bus drivers, family members. I saw how I wanted things from those people. Love, acceptance, friendship. It was all about what I could get from them.
But I also felt my perspective shift, and I saw those people as God wanted me to see them. I saw that they were lost and needed to be saved. I saw that they needed to know God. I saw that they were perishing, that time was short, and that they desperately needed to hear the good news about God.
I also saw that God had placed those people into my path and put them into my life for a reason. I could be the one to reach out to them. I could be the one to show them God and tell them the good news of salvation. I could be the one God could use to save those people.
I had a mission. I had a purpose. My life was important to God. It wasn’t about what I could get from people, it was about what I could give. And I could give them God. All of my wants, desires and contentions seemed so small and petty in comparison to God’s massive perspective. I felt humbled, yet empowered.
At the end of the service I felt stronger. I knew what God wanted me to do. I knew who he wanted me to reach. I knew that there was a purpose for my life, and I no longer wanted to die. I turned round to the girl next to me and thanked her for sitting with me, and I genuinely meant it.
From that point on, I became more serious about God than ever before, and more determined to learn and grow. And it was happening. Okay, things were difficult at times. I struggle massively with people, with struggling to understand people and with people struggling to understand me. But things were changing. I was changing. I made reconciliation with my mom. I grew closer to God. I learned more. I started to talk to more people in the church. I felt that I had hope, a future, and a purpose. Things were feeling so exciting and positive, and I was looking forward to seeing what God would do.
And yet…and yet, although this beautiful tapestry was developing, there was a thread which was coming loose. One single thread. But it was loose, and I knew it and was starting to feel troubled by it. I mentioned it to people. I sought help. But it seemed that all people could see was the tapestry which was developing. People were captivated by the colours, the beauty, the form, and the shape it was taking. This one thread seemed insignificant. People seemed to think that it would all work out somehow.
I knew differently. But I felt powerless to do anything about it. My cries for help became more incessant, the reassurances became more dampening, and all I could do was watch while this one thread started to cause everything to unravel. Slowly at first. Perhaps just a corner which could maybe be stitched back together. But then more rapidly, until before my very eyes the entire tapestry started to fall apart.
It all started unravelling. It all fell apart. All because of one thread. And now…now the tapestry of my life is in tatters. Now all of the threads have unravelled and have come away. It is all a complete mess.
So I sit here and hold this ruined tapestry in my hands and wonder, what on earth do I do with it? Can it even be repaired? Where do I even begin? What about that thread, that one problematic thread? What do I do with it? It is still there. I fear that any attempts to try and restitch things will instantly be thwarted because of that one thread.
So I sit here in tears, holding this mess in my hands. This mess of colours, threads, and tear stains. I cannot walk away from it. I believe that God was creating something beautiful. But I don’t know what to do, don’t know where to start.
Now my life seems so barren and colourless. There seems to be destruction and ruins all around me. If I try to walk through it, I fear I will stumble and fall. I am too tired to even know where to begin.
So my life has gone back to simply existing. Simply getting through each day. Physically and mentally it is a battle just to get through each day. The medications make it so much more of a struggle.
But I want more than this. I want LIFE. I want COLOUR. I want PURPOSE again. I want to be doing God’s will. I want to be back on track. I don’t want my life to be stagnant. I want to be GROWING again.
But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what step to take, which action to make. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what to do with the ruins of this tapestry. I don’t even know how to handle it, for I fear that it will disintegrate even more. So I just place it on the floor and leave it there for now.
But I cannot even do that. I cannot just leave it there. So I pick it up again and hold it gingerly in my hands, inspecting the mess and the damage, wondering where on earth to begin.
God, please help me. Please repair this tapestry. Please do something about that thread, that troublesome thread. Please rebuild my life, Lord. Please don’t leave things like this. Please don’t let this be the end of the story. I don’t want to just drift. I want to live for you. I want life. I want to fulfill your purposes for me.
Please put me back on track Lord, and show me what you want me to do. And please give me the courage to do it. Amen.
