Torn Between Churches.
(26th July 2017)
I feel lost. I had stopped going to the Pentecostal church for a while because of not being sure whether I belonged there. I don’t agree with some of the Pentecostal beliefs and practices, I find some of the teaching questionable, and that makes me feel like a hypocrite by being there. Also, I was still finding it unbearable going to the church and seeing the person who used to be a father-figure to me there, and dealing with the pain of how things have changed and how he doesn’t want anything to do with me now.
Over the months I went to two different churches, both Anglican. The first is called Holy Trinity. I found the teaching powerful and Biblical. The people are incredibly humble, especially the vicar. There is a big emphasis on repentance there, and God spoke to me powerfully during one sermon.
The second church is called St Paul’s. The vicar and his wife live not far from me, so they would give me a lift to the church and back. I found them both very friendly and caring, and they came round and spoke to me once when I was struggling, and they prayed for me. The church itself is quite small, which I liked, and people were friendly to me there. I never felt moved by anything during the services though, and I felt unchallenged.
However, I recently started going back to the Pentecostal church. Why? Because I feel isolated. At both of the Anglican churches I felt that there was no way for me to get to know anyone. There seemed to be no emphasis on fellowship, something which is important to me. People would go to the services and then leave, and nobody really talked to me or seemed interested in getting to know me. I gave both of the churches a good try and still felt like an outsider.
So I started going back to the Pentecostal church, at first to the Wednesday afternoon group. It was really nice to be back, around people I know, people who chat to one another and make me feel included and wanted.
I had been wondering about how I would feel seeing the father-figure person again. I didn’t know how it would affect me. I no longer really think about him, and the father issues are not causing pain any more. It is like it has all settled down again.
Still, I was apprehensive when I went to the church one Sunday evening. But the man wasn’t there. It was a massive relief to me. I was able to focus through the service, and I stayed behind after and sat with people. It was really nice.
The following Sunday evening was a baptismal service, so I was looking forward to going. The father-figure was there…and I got my answer as to how it would affect me and how I would cope seeing him again. I will write about what happened in the next journal entry.
