The Relationship

Amanda Van Nuys
Jul 22, 2017 · 2 min read

Part 1:

I run my fingers slowly across my belly

Where there’s something wet and cold that writhes and slowly retreats down inside

Muscular and lithe

It hisses with a forked tongue

Black eyes beam with venom and power

Unearthly to the touch

Reptilian in the most horrifying way

I stare back at it, in fascination and quiet wonder

We know each other well

And for a while, I thought it was a part of me

I resigned myself to its companionship

It came to me

It barged in uninvited

(Did I let it in?)

It’s the thing that has wound itself around my body and insinuated itself into my life

For twenty-five years

And I thought it was going to stay with me

Until death do us part

Be it friend or foe or both simultaneously

I was in the belly of the beast

And bent unnaturally in its direction
To minimize the damage

Part 2:

Day in and day out

I moved forward in life, as best I could

Making it seem easy on the outside

While I questioned, forgave, cajoled, hissed back, and asked for mercy

Trying to make sense of this unhealthy relationship

Truth be told

I resigned myself to the fact that nothing could ever change

Our routine became normal, predictable, even reassuring

Like a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome

Maybe I gave up a little

Part 3:

In a morning that was long in coming

A nest was dislodged from a tree

It was a stunning construction made from twigs, feathers, and bird spit

A small, speckled brown egg was smashed nearby on the ground

A tragic end, a life wasted

Snake food

I’m not sure what happened

Something inside quietly snapped

I shifted in a direction that I recognized as pure grit, in the never-look-back kind of way

Then I understood the lesson that I needed to learn all along

I wanted this relationship to end

I had enough

I was done

My name means worthy of love

It surged up, ready to attack, defending the only home it had ever known

I responded, defiant and self-assured

Oh by the way, I’m the fucking boss

I can kill you before you kill me

I can cut you out anytime I want to

Crohn’s without a body is just thin air

It can become a hollow where years of stolen warmth and healing begins

Where I can run my fingers along the edges of morning sunlight

Across the peaceful beauty of my own body

Marveling the stillness

Amanda Van Nuys

Leading Marcom at Jobvite. B2B2C Marketer with a passion for marketing communications and all things digital. Poet. Dog Lover. Foodie.

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