Was it a lapse sure feels like it was

Hi folks it’s now the end of Feb 2017 and I feel I’m finally pulling out of a lapse I had that started before Christmas and to be honest from what I do remember has left me bewildered angry at myself and rather embarrassed.

Christmas and my daughters birthday 3 weeks later had nothing to do with how I was and finances over that period had already been sorted, I won’t go into each situation but suffice to say everything else for me went completely wrong and I couldn’t handle it.

Things that may not get to most people I’m afraid eat away at me and as my diagnosis of OCD is combined with PTSD you can just imagine how seething things can feel and that feeling just builds with all cognitive thinking going out of the window.

My first defence mechanism is self destructive I’ve left the realms of self harm behind so I’ve started fighting outwards instead now, I owed quite a few people apologies after reading my sent emails recently and one is to my MP I won’t say what I put but I was rather rude to say the least.

Things now

My poor wife whom has been keeping an eye on me and the keeper of all medications said I was fine until a received an email and within ten minutes was a completely different person, showing alarming signs of mistrust and over analysing. I suppose this is where the cognitive part starts to disappear and you ‘I’ start believing in whatever the demons start whispering at you.

With a sigh of relief I can say I feel like I’m coming back down to earth again slowly, things seem calmer and I don’t seem bothered by anything even the rents increased lately and I’m not bothered so it could be I’m coming back to the old me.

With fingers crossed I hope it is a pull out I’m not needing extra meds and handling my days quite well, I’m just going to be praying now that I stay as normal as I can be as I have my first exhibition this year and don’t want to flake out again before getting my opportunity to showcase all I’ve done both when feeling normal and even when I’ll somehow.

What a combo

As a 39 yr old fella it’s hard to comprehend that you have mental health problems let alone complex ones, PTSD OCD and unstable emotional personality disorder, these are the three the demons use to change my mindset with only the right combo of medications and my will to want to change that keeps me as sane as I possibly can be yet as I’m writing to explain it doesn’t always work.

Psychologist and psychiatrists put my disorders down to a very poor abusive upbringing my parents weren’t sexually abusive yet they were very physically and mentally abusive, from slaps to the back of the head right through to being locked in a bedroom with a bucket for a toilet is how I grew up no sega master system or Mountain bikes for this child back then.

The abuse I endured and the responsibility I was given for my siblings is enough to have anyone in turmoil and most people grow up to emulate what is called learned behaviour, I’m happy to say I’m self aware I know right from wrong and could never imagine striking anyone let alone my own children.

I lost out on paid employment a few years back when my dosage got to a certain point I was unemployable on my medications alone and it left me emasculated, that’s when I started collecting and all this grief started lol, I joke there but some of my problems where collection related at the time.

Collectibulldogs is the name of my collection and website I started just over six years ago and went from one brass bulldog to owning one of the worlds largest bulldog collections and the story behind it basically was to afford my daughter the luxury of a university life something I could never have, the collection was to pay for her fees.

If I can stay on the road I’m on I think my mind will be back to its normal cheeky self in late march and the exhibition is in may so as long as I’m supported through the museums paperwork and installation and the display goes well it could well be the affirmation I need to get me through 2017 with just minor issues. No more psychosis please!!!!

http://www.collectibulldogs.com/category/site-news/