Thoughts on 6/3/2016

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I suppose I haven’t felt ready to tell my new stories yet. I suppose most of them are still so fresh that I don’t have the perspective that memory gives yet. I’m still fighting the good fight, making mistakes, and most of all learning.

I suppose I can summarize it all by saying I’m having it out with God. I want my own way, and for now he’s letting me get away with my temper tantrum. I’ve become the rebellious teenager I never was. I’m acting out. I love God, but I’ve had enough- at least until I come to my senses and climb out of the hole I have dug.

Let me back up to Valentine’s Day 2015. That was the day I met my soulmate. His name is Aidan*. He is everything I want to be, and everything I ever wanted. My poetry on this site comes from the inspiration that loving him brought me. He made my soul overflow and it got mixed up with his own. The only problem is that he finds himself unable to love me in the same way. The person who inspires my writing loves me too, but it will never be enough. It will never match. We love each other dearly, but we cannot be together. Romeo and Juliet became Will and Grace.

After that came my diagnosis with bipolar disorder. For months, my mind has been poked, prodded, and medicated until I can barely recognize myself. I’m still figuring out where bipolar ends and I begin. I have dealt with stigma, pity, and fear since my diagnosis. My parents feared my suicidal thoughts, my friends pitied me when I had to move across the country to find help, and my ex boyfriend did not know how to handle my mood swings and impulsive behavior.

Then there was moving to a new place. I had one friend when I moved to the Monterey area. He quickly abandoned ship when he got a girlfriend. I had to start completely from scratch after leaving all of my friends and Aidan* behind. It was slow making friends. I struggled a lot at the beginning, especially since my moods were so low, but when they started to come back up a little, I met Paul*.

I wish I had never met Paul*. He’s terrible and wonderful at the same time. He brings out the worst in me, but makes me more social. He is temptation incarnate sent just for me. To reference Twilight, he’s my own personal brand of heroine. I’m addicted, and addicts do stupid things to get what they want.

I have been stupid lately. I got mad at God for the way things have been this past year, and I have been acting out. I fell in love with someone I can never be with, was diagnosed with bipolar, and moved across the country alone. It sucks.

*not his real name