How to Stop People Pleasing: A guide for Empaths

No matter how long I am on this spiritual journey there are always areas where I still could expand more. Really every area has room for expansion but one area that I noticed that is still really showing up is people pleasing. Many of my clients and friends seem to relate…maybe you can too.

There are definitely personality types, who don’t struggle with this, some of them so much so it might be the reason we feel it is better to please then be the ever so dreaded label of… “SELFISH”.

For many, however, people pleasing is woven so tightly in to us we can’t pick it out from the thread of who we truly are. And if you’re an empath this is amplified.

As an empath, someone who can emotionally sense and feel the emotions of others within themselves, you are inclined to please because you feel the delight of someones’ satisfaction and the disappointment of someones’ dissatisfaction. It is natural to seek scenarios that make us feel good, so if we can’t separate our feelings from theirs’, in the short term we feel better in doing what someone else wants.

I know for my self, I desire to be of service and to be kind. So doing for others feels like the right thing…doesn’t it?

The problem with this is we serve egos and fear only in this way. If you feel someones’ sadness empathically and you from a place of feeling bad or responsible cater to it, you are coming from the same energy as them. This only amplifies and returns the energy of the problem or the unmet desire.

If you are doing things your heart does not desire to do, for the sake of someone else you are putting them as a higher power than your souls inner knowing and putting your empathic discomfort as bigger than your higher intelligence’s plan for you.

Now what about our fear of being selfish? Innately we are loving and generous when we are open and not in a survival response. We want good things for others and for ourself, and it is a joy to be of service but from our souls lane.

When we act out of fear of disappointment, we are not in our alignment and may in fact be creating a problem for the recipient in return. Because we are only giving them the energy underneath the actions.

How do we change it?

First, know that we are all gonna repeat patterns so give yourself grace and bring us much compassion to yourself and the others involved in this as you can.

The best way to shift this pattern is to become the solution in energy and not in action. What this means is, when you feel someones’ emotions and you feel compelled to act on them outside of your own desires, find the loving emotional counterpart and radiate it from you.

For example if someone is feeling incredibly sad but it feels burdensome for you to take care of them then tune in to the feeling of comfort and love within yourself, imagine it radiates off of you and moves towards them. Do this long enough that you no longer feel their sadness but aware that it exists, if from this place you feel inspired to act then do so, if you feel that the have the opportunity to find their own healing then leave it.

Now sometimes, we are compelled by others’ excitement about an idea that we take on as our own. In this case open your heart and ground in to your body, slow down and ask yourself what you are excited about before jumping on, what is it you have been really wanting to prioritize? If they don’t align, then imagine them finding the perfect person for the action they are inviting you to do (because there is someone and its not you, and by taking it your blocking the right person from doing it) and send that energetically to them while lovingly declining.

If you don’t understand what sending something to them energetically means, here is my best example: feel the elevated emotion and imagine them in that emotion as well and see the scenario unfolding in the highest good or just affirm that in your mind and let it go. This won’t guarantee that for them, that is their job.

Nobodies’ outcomes or wellbeing is your responsibility. Even if you are a caretaker or parent, your job is to your souls path of showing up in that role to the best of your abilities. You offer them this by example as you do it. Within everyone is a path to their souls desires and many solutions to the obstacles they face so it really is okay to let people figure it out. You will know when to step in.

I would love to know what you think!