Reflections of a Seeker.

avisha chugani
Jul 20, 2017 · 3 min read

A year ago today I landed in Lima, Peru

I had no idea what the next three months would bring. I only knew that I came alone and would have some time to retreat and reflect on a very recent trip to India and to reflect on my health journey.

One of the things I practiced most while there was this strange concept floating around these days called “self care”. And, one of the many little surprises that ended up being one of my big joys was learning to sit with all the raw emotions I had previously told myself I would “deal with eventually”, as I was too busy living life, working, and, frankly, avoiding my emotions to understand them fully or even understand why the same ones kept coming up in various situations.

Source: Instagram @mytherapistsays

One of the first feelings I encountered was that of being truly alone for, maybe, the first time in my life. No one was a phone call or text message away (yes, even with modern technology). I had felt this feeling before most recently when I was in India but didn’t really force myself to acknowledge it in the way I did in Lima.

How did I force myself, you might ask?

I was in a friend’s apartment all by myself, surrounded by people who didn’t speak much or any English, and finally came to terms with the fact that that my tribe — the people who help me feel most alive and incredibly safe — were no where to be found and, for the foreseeable future, were not going to be in Lima with me.

That feeling of being alone sent me into a semi-depressive state of being. I slept a lot, binge-watched Netflix, and couldn’t bring myself to leave the cold apartment (it was Winter in Lima, and there was no heater).

I can’t remember the exact moment but something happened to make me say: Get up! Get out of the house!

I realized I was so afraid I wouldn’t understand people, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find my way around, and I was psyching myself out thinking that I wasn’t competent or able to learn a new language or find my way around without the help of the internet or friends. A mentor of mine calls this scenario “the paralysis of analysis” — overthinking what might happen so much that it stunts your ability to say or do anything.

I had been telling myself for at least two weeks that I could not handle being in this place by myself.

And something inside, or maybe outside of me said, “oh, yes you CAN, honey!”

Source: Instagram @youniteverses

I guess it was in that moment that I had to start believing in my abilities to take action rather than waiting for other people (like my tribe) to jolt me out of sadness or motivate me.

It was in that moment that I found a tiny amount of courage to embark on the very journey I apparently sought out.

The unfolding of my life that led me to be in Lima was kicking in, and I was finally listening.

What did I hear? And how did I start listening?

Stay tuned.

)

counselor | consultant | writer | yoga practitioner for folx working to uplift our communities. ☯️✊🏾💟 www.avishachugani.com

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