Fruit infused water.

My first dream was to become an artist. I wanted to sell art on the streets and retreat to my cardboard fort for shade. Then I wanted to be an astronaut, clinging so closely to the “Space” magazine that the school assembly handed out to every uninterested sixth grader. I wanted to be a psychiatrist and decipher this entanglement of human emotions and interactions to the bone. I wanted to be a hip hop dancer on the side, I wanted lots of visions.

A part of me has always been mad at myself for not pursuing those things. Don’t get me wrong, thank god I am not an astronaut right now, they don’t have avocado egg toasts up there. But I, like many wise (wo)men will say at their death beds, wish I could have chased after my dreams. Even if I was most likely going to fail, I would have nurtured my passions instead of watched them pass by.

Those are regrets, but I am also still very grateful for where life takes me nowadays. I am at a Big 5 tech company, I am making more money than probably any average 21 year old intern is making in America, I get to go to free concerts and receive free gifts at a nice company with nice people and nice things and nice fruit infused water. So why do I feel lonely? Why does this feel not wrong, but not completely right either?

I’ve come to realize that complacency does not derive from hating where you are whether it’s in personal life or relationships. Complacency, is the product of a “this-isn’t-horrible-but-i-am-not-too-happy-however-it-pays-well-and-i-like-x-y-and-occasionally-z-so-ill-try-this-for-a-few-more-years” mindset. It is the end of growth, and you become stuck mentally, professionally, and financially. Hard working but sometimes quite lazy people, like myself, slip into this mindset because it’s so much easier to rationalize your reality as the best practical reality than it is to admit that it’s time to change lanes. You may realize that changing lanes was not the right decision, and you want to switch back and that’s okay. You may dislike your new lane but life was never cut out to be a streak of right decisions, just your own.

It’s 12:30 AM and I am pretty sure I am not making sense even to myself anymore. Good night world!