Hey its been a while.
So much has happened since my last entry, everytime I think about updating this blog- the moment kinda passes and I decide not to. I feel like I either gotta pour everything out in the moment or much later on.
“Julies” is the first song of his released album, and I’m streaming it right now.
So much work was put into this, so much of his experiences culminated into this big project- and he actually released it all. Album, website, visuals, video, everything. I’m really really proud. This is his.
Spring break was a rollercoaster. Here’s a draft written on April Fools night after the party. I never finished it because I decided I didn’t want to go to bed angry.
3AM: When he brought me to the middle of a road during a party and told me my new relationship existed to spite him. I could feel my blood boil as he accused me of having bad intentions, of being oblivious to hurting those around me. All I could think about was how oblivious he was to the hurt he caused me. He said these things in that patronizing voice I’d learned to dislike immensely, like he knew things about how the world worked that I didn’t. I just let him talk at me because I know this outburst meant that he had been stewing on this for a while. Then, he just left me in the middle of the road and I knelt down and cried because he still doesn’t understand how much he hurt me after all this time. He doesn’t have any idea of the other challenges I’ve had to face alone ever since we ended. But I know, my own heart’s intentions and I know I’ve been placed on this earth to love. My universe does not revolve around him, even though he seems to think it does. I built my spirit back up, and I did it all on my own. I know how it feels to be with someone who is unsure and that hurts a lot so I made sure I went into this new thing knowing that I want to give this a shot. That’s why I’ve been wary this whole time. Unfortunately, I think I’m coming off as unsure…….. I need to hold on to this before “he” becomes the one that got away.
He’s walked away from many confrontations before. Either he changes the subject, tells me to go to sleep, or in this case, leaves me standing under a dim streetlight. Its his way of coping, he shuts people out because he doesn’t think that talking things out goes anywhere. He processes things better on his own. Usually I find myself alone and just drifting in place, not knowing where to go or how to feel. The sinking of the heart as I stood under that dim streetlight was a familiar feeling….. my body was reacting exactly like the time I just cried myself to sleep after reading subtweets or the time I stared blankly out of UCLA’s window at 3am alone waiting to make the trip home. I couldn’t believe I was breaking down again. But this time was different. This time, someone lifted me up, wrapped me in a blanket, and just held me close. I am grateful for this person for being there for me even though they too are caught in a difficult position.
5pm the following day: Now after some reflecting, I can pinpoint the root of his outburst. He was hurting, and my anger comes from the same place too. We “talked things out” at the cafe I’d brought him to before. There really wasn’t much to say…. but I think it gave us both peace of mind. I’ll never be able to communicate how sincere I feel in wanting happiness for him. And I want that for myself too. We both deserve it.
The last day of spring break, I spent the whole day with my guy and I could feel myself glowing. Like I was finally transcending above all the negativity. I told myself i dont even need a titled relationship. I’ll take this sweet romantic bond any day. I also don’t need to be lowkey or declarative. I can do whatever I want, and whatever feels right.
The date was quintessential and rekindled butterflies, a forgotten feeling. Frozen yogurt, the breezy shoreline, his old high school, the pinole freeway view with a swing and the “tree”. We ended it with hot chocolate kisses. I really could not ask for more. I’m not sure if its from him or from within, but I have a newfound sense of security. I’m able to hold no expectations yet still be optimistic. I am aware of my baggage and I can leave it at the door. We have open conversations from the get go, he is the most honest person I’ve known so far. I acknowledge the areas in which I could grow. I want to make this work.
I went down to San Diego the weekend after that. I’ve never thought of myself as a romantic but here I am traveling to the opposite end of the state again to see a significant other. I’m back in San Diego and this time with intention. Getting the person you want is an amazing feeling. Waking up next to the person who makes you feel safe and cared for is healing for the soul. I remember laying on his chest sunday morning while he stroked my hair and told me he wanted to make every moment count. this is when i knew i made the right choice. im falling slowly but this is exactly the type of flow i need right now. theres no rush, no burning out. you shouldnt feel like you’re running out of time to grow with someone.
I’m trying long distance again, but like everything else, this time is different. the distance a part gives me space to grow as an individual. we can do our own things and reconnect through out the day. this time i dont feel relief…… and guilt afterwards that i am relieved i get some space. this time im not missing someone all the time, i dont place any person as the center of my emotional energy.
my surgery went fine. fuck i am so grateful i got through that on my own. i cried in the recovery room because i knew my personality made it hard for me to tell anyone about my health conditions. so i didn’t tell anyone expect for a few and they went above and beyond to be there for me. im relieved thats done with. ive also committed to san jose state for the fall, and im getting through all the paperwork on my own too. this was my gut choice and i have no regrets. i’m gonna try to be the most proactive, open minded yet independent mothafucker on campus lmao. its overwhelming but i have a good team for resources and support.
ill look back on this one day as my reference to the memoir ill write-