Breaking Up

Today I cried for roughly an hour (yesterday too, actually). It felt good. And sad. And at moments, excruciating. I haven’t stopped loving him. And I developed quite an attachment! I want a relationship that feels solid and aligned with me. Because we could not align, I decided it made sense to break up — it felt like taring myself away.

I miss him. I miss our time together. His touch. Hi kisses. His arms wrapped around me. Our laughter. And our play.

It’s been two weeks. We decided not to disconnect as most of the advice would have us do. In fact, most everything about our relationship was contrary to the popular way of doing things.

We told each other hard stuff that people normally don’t say, we showed lots of emotion (in my case, a whole lot), we communicated feeling needy or standoffish — and even made it into a game! And the most amazing thing, for me, was that I could not hide how I felt because he would notice and feel me anyway! And say something — call me out of where I had gone, probably to hide. I had never had the experience of someone being so attuned to me before. So, pretty much everything that I’ve read about that you’re supposed to do (or not do) in relationships, I learned to do the opposite. And it just made our connection deeper and more true.

That hasn’t changed in our breakup. I call him crying because I love him and miss him. I yell at him during (intermittent) anger phases (and he holds steady). I feel that no matter how hard it feels, I still have him. And that bond feels invaluable. I know that he’s not afraid of my deepest stuff. I remind myself that he has seen me, actual me. And no matter what comes up, I can still show him my true self. Even the embarrassing parts. Because it seems that whatever I have inside, he’s not afraid of. And whenever I get the privilege of seeing how he feels (sometimes I have to wrangle it out of him), it feels so good. And although the type of relationship I wanted is not what he wants, I get to stand knowing that I’ve formed a very special connection with someone. And that is something to celebrate.