The Power of Total Surrender

The message came to me on the evening of March 11, 2017, while I was in the shower. It was like a telepathic whisper but somehow I “heard” it very clearly. It didn’t make any sense to me at the time but I instinctively knew that it carried a lot of meaning and that I needed to take heed.

“Surrender!”, a single word that would forever transform me.

I would have expected an order like that to be delivered in a threatening tone, as when a soldier is ambushed by the enemy to be taken hostage. But this was the complete opposite. It was delivered in a loving but authoritative tone and felt more like a warm invitation. Instead of feeling threatening, it made me feel a deep sense of peace. I had no previous history of hearing voices in my head so this really caught my attention and I felt an urge to explore it. Where did it come from? What could it possibly mean? What was it asking of me? These burning questions circled in my head for the next few months without any concrete answers.

At that point, my life was by no means perfect, but it was pretty darn close. I had quit my job to pursue my dream of starting a business doing what I love. I had proposed to the girl I wanted to share the rest of my life with and dreamed of starting a family with her and building a home together. My life had meaning and purpose and I was surrounded by people who loved and supported me. I had painted a beautiful picture of what I wanted my life to look like and was taking all the necessary steps to make it a reality. That perfect and glorious vision appeared to be within my reach.

Then I was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer (even though I never smoked). Three months after getting the one-word mystical message, I received the devastating news that violently shook my entire existence. Suddenly and without a warning, the promising life that I had painstakingly built for myself collapsed before my eyes, crushing all of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations. The beautiful picture of the life I had envisioned was torn into a thousand pieces. All I could do was helplessly witness the devastation unfold.

The months that followed were agonizing as I attempted to make sense of my new reality while mourning the one that was taken from me. I spent those days wallowing in grief and denial. It wasn’t until the dust settled after my life’s demolition that I continued contemplating that mysterious message. The adversity had given me some context which helped me gain the first insights as to what it was trying to tell me. It was then that I understood that it was preparing me for what was to come.

My initial interpretation was that of acceptance. It became clear that the voice was asking me to accept my new reality and to surrender to it. My diagnosis felt like a powerful and relentless current that swiftly washed me away. Instinctively, my response was to resist it and try to swim against it. But anybody with a hint of common sense knows what happens when you swim against the current. The voice was clearly telling me to stop resisting and to just let go.

I was still holding on to fragments of my previous life, trying to piece it back together as I struggled to stay afloat. It wasn’t easy but I finally succumbed and allowed the current to strip me bare and carry me away. Piece by piece, I began letting go of my previous life and, although very painful, the process was also cathartic. A wise man later helped me realize that I was stripped of everything but what was truly essential; the unconditional love that surrounded me, a realization that would give me the strength I needed to persevere.

As I continued traversing through my cancer journey, I discovered that the mystical message carried a deeper meaning and that accepting and letting go was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. The message would continue unraveling itself, gradually revealing more insights that would help me navigate and endure this treacherous journey. And even to this day, the message continues to reveal its infinite wisdom as I delve deeper into it.

Seeking answers in the face of death led me down a spiritual path which gave the message a whole new meaning. Deep down, I always knew that my cancer diagnosis wasn’t just bad luck. I knew that it happened to me for a reason and that it was meant to teach me something. So instead of seeing it as a curse, I learned to see it as an invaluable teacher and my life’s mission became learning everything it had to teach me. I knew that the message I received that fateful day would be extremely valuable in my spiritual quest.

I was raised catholic but can’t say that I ever had any faith growing up. I knew how to recite memorized prayers and even participated in catholic traditions, but none of it meant anything to me. As the years passed, my lack of faith made it easy for me to distance myself from religion altogether, and subsequently from God. But I was desperately seeking answers and having a catholic background gave me something to turn to. For the first time in my life, I opened the bible in search of answers. It didn’t take me long to realize that surrendering was a common theme throughout the scriptures. I was immediately captivated as I had found the key to understanding the meaning of spiritual surrender.

But understanding the message was the easy part. In order to be transformed by it, I needed to put this newly acquired wisdom into practice. At that point in my journey, I had already let go of my previous life along with the beautiful picture of the life I was striving for. I had accepted my new reality and allowed myself to be stripped of the things that defined my identity. Some might call that the ego. The process left me completely bare, but that’s where my spiritual transformation would begin. I was primed and ready to be rebuilt into the man God created me to be. I was ready to surrender my life to Him. Or so I thought.

There was still something holding me back. My faith was not strong enough and I was still fearful and unable to fully trust. I quickly learned that trust was absolutely essential for total surrender and that trust could only be born of faith. My lack of faith and trust in God made it impossible to completely surrender my life to Him. At this time, I believed that He was orchestrating my spiritual healing and transformation but my fear was getting in the way. I still wanted to be in control of my life and was afraid of relinquishing that sense of control.

Then the pain became too much for me to bear. The progression of my disease intensified the physical pain and had me exhausting my treatment options which spiraled me down into a depression. Then, the unexpected departure of my fiancee finished breaking my already fractured heart and pushed me over the precipice. I had already given up the prospect of starting a family with her but was still holding on to the hope of sharing the rest of my life with her. Apparently, I had one last thing to let go of. As my health deteriorated and my heart disintegrated, I was no longer able to endure the pain on my own. I was left with no choice but to surrender my pain and fears over to God and leave everything in His hands. Only He could ease the pain and heal my heart.

I was not let down. Like a fine kintsugi pot, He mended my heart with gold and overfilled it with His infinite Love. In the most difficult time of my life, I was overcome with an intense peace unlike any I had experienced before. Somehow, my fears and anguish dissipated and I felt tenderly held and comforted. For the first time since my diagnosis, I was able to find joy in life’s little blessings and was no longer afraid of my uncertain future. The physical pain persisted but it wasn’t exacerbated by the emotional pain which seemed to have been healed. Witnessing my spiritual and emotional healing strengthened my faith and allowed me to fully trust and surrender my life completely to God.

People often wonder how I have managed to find peace amid so much adversity and even in the face of death. The truth is I do have my moments of despair but, for the most part, I am able to remain in a peaceful state thanks to the mystical message I received three months before my diagnosis. I owe it all to the power of total surrender. There is absolutely no way I could carry such a heavy cross on my own and endure so much pain, at least not with the overwhelming feeling that everything is and will be okay. Undergoing such a profound transformation when all hope was lost has convinced me that what I experienced was nothing short of a divine intervention.

Now that I’ve surrendered to God’s infinite love and divine will I can wholeheartedly trust that whatever happens in my life will be in divine order. That’s not to say I get to sit back and passively watch it all unfold. I am still an active participant in fulfilling my purpose here, but I no longer fear or worry about the final outcome. Surrendering doesn’t mean giving up my power either. On the contrary, I am empowered to walk with faith and confidence knowing that God is guiding my every step. I may not know what the future holds but I walk into it with grace knowing that God will take me exactly where I need to go. I know that I am ultimately walking towards Him.

I am absolutely certain that God spoke to me that spring evening to prepare me for the approaching storm. He was extending His loving arms to me offering to hold me through it all. Now I know that what I’ve been through is not just misfortune and that there is beauty in everything. I had to be stripped of everything to become the man God created me to be and my heart needed to be shattered so that He could heal it and fill it with his infinite Love. I wouldn’t have sought refuge in Him had I not gone through such adversity. Nothing brings me more peace than knowing that He is now in control because I’ve witnessed His divine mercy. He is now in the driver seat of my life, I am the copilot, and I would love to bring you along for the ride.