Learning to Be Myself

The first step is admitting you have a problem

It’s hard for me to share my feelings and thoughts.

I sit here staring at this blank page while millions of thoughts run through my mind: my dreams, my fears, how Stephen Curry is lighting it up on the court at this very moment, how I really should be studying for my CPA exam right now. Different writing topics bounce through my mind, yet, when it comes to actually expressing myself to others, I just can’t.

I’m not the type to share. I listen to the problems of others and offer my opinion, but, when it comes to opening up about my own problems, I fall short of the right words. Even while typing this post I’ve deleted and rewritten sentences multiple times, trying to be perfect. My friends call me emotionally unavailable. I call it being afraid.

I’m afraid of what others will think. I’m afraid that people’s perception of me will be different than what I want them to perceive. I’m afraid that if I actually do express my opinion, no one will listen, or worse, no one will care. Lastly, I’m afraid of not fitting in.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t suffer from extreme self-esteem issues. I’m a self-proclaimed awesome person and walk around with an air of not-giving-a-fuck. I live by the wise words of Dr. Seuss:

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Yet, underneath all that confidence is the constant fear of not being good enough. And like all fears, it affects my actions and choices. I won’t speak up in class because I’m afraid people will think I’m stupid. I won’t post things on Facebook because I’m afraid people won’t care. I only follow others on Twitter; I never tweet.

So today I want a change. I can’t promise I’ll follow through with it (I’m not known for my patience or persistence) nor can I promise that it’ll be interesting (most of you will probably never click this post let alone read it to the end). But this isn’t about you. It’s about me becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

Because let’s face it, I’m awesome.