These Ten Productivity Tips Will Astound You (By Being Five Productivity Tips)


Ever wondered how successful people get so much done?

*That’s* your problem.

When you’re wondering how successful people get stuff done, you’re not Doing Stuff. And when you’re not Doing Stuff you might as well be curled up at the bottom of an abandoned well peeing your pants like a pathetic little pussy — and that my friends is a scientific fact.

Science

But don’t worry!

AWESOMIZING your PRODUCTIVITY is as EASY as WRITING every OTHER word in CAPITAL letters!

Follow these three simple steps and soon you will be as productive as Steve “when he was alive” Jobs and Oprah Winfrey rolled into one — but marginally less hot, sticky and arousing.

1. Take what you were doing before and do more of it

Set your productivity to awesome!

This might seem like a simple tip but, as I told my publishers when they threatened to withdraw the advance for my book, sometimes the simplest tips are the most effective. And I’m sure after AWESOMIZING your productivity with this ONE SIMPLE TIP you will be doing more of one thing in particular — namely, agreeing with me!

2. Delegate, delegate, delegate.

Someone’s been delegating!

This really cannot be said enough.

But I will try.

Delegate delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate,

delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate,

delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate,

delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate,

The great thing about writing the word ‘delegate’ so many times is it means you will have to DELEGATE the task of diagnosing your feelings of extreme nausea and disorientation to a health professional.

Job done!

3. Hire the right people

Hiring the right people is so important.

Here are some examples of people NOT to hire:

  • A heavy-set bald man who’s furious that you got his sister pregnant.
Hmm….

Seriously. Why would you employ this guy? Rookie error.

  • Five cats on a job share
Since this photo was taken, all of these cats have died

Sure they might look cute, but the white one’s got severe breathing difficulties and the one of the left just puked up a crow.

Have fun explaining THAT to HR.

  • A man with his trousers round his ankles.

Think about it. If he can’t pull up his pants, how can you trust him to revolutionise your marketing strategy and optimise your content across all platforms?

Bottom line: you can’t.

Also bottom line: he has no bottom line. It’s ALL hanging out my friend! #humor

  • This guy

Sure, he looks cool. But who’s to say that cigar isn’t a squashed up dog turd he’s smoking to obtain some obscure species of sexual thrill? No-one. And that’s how he likes it.

  • Your best friend

Employing your best friend might seem like a good idea. But is it?

Decision time!

Who knows? Why not FIND the answer by TAPPING into your INNER VOICE? Which brings me to my final tip…

4. Finish the job!

After all, how can you ever “get things done” if you don’t “finish the job”?

Answer: you can’t, is how!

#awesomeblog #winning


Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated Don Chudd’s story.