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Rabbit Holes

I did it. I met someone. After 25 years of dating, I found a man who can make me swoon.

But there’s always a catch.

The meeting was something that only happens in the movies:

It was at an engagement party for a friend of mine. In the days leading up to the party, I wasn’t looking forward to it, but for some reason when I left my house that night I was feeling very lucky.

The party was fine. I saw people I hadn’t talked to in a while. We caught up over cocktails and had an entertaining evening. After a drink or two, I stole a moment to go outside to have a cigarette by myself. As I stood there contemplating something totally forgettable, a cab rolled up. A tall, handsome, scruffy man stepped out. Our eyes locked on each other before he even shut the door. His name was Noah. He was lovely and our timing was magical.

I acted as the host when we entered the party together. I showed him to the whiskey and offered him some finger food. We went our separate ways but our paths kept deliberately crossing. During our next trip outside, he asked me to get a bloody mary with him the next day. Swept away by his boldness, I accepted. And then I accepted his invitation to make out in the elevator on the way back into the party. I was feeling whimsical and lucky.

What followed was a bittersweet experience. We dated and had fun. We got along swimmingly. He was loving and affectionate. He encouraged me to be more open emotionally and supported my creative endeavors. He also showed me the best sex I’ve ever had. Perfect, mind-blowing sex.

I was in love and so was he… with someone else.

His previous relationship didn’t work out the way he wanted it to. I don’t know the details, only that her head had been badly messed about by a man and ruined her for every man that followed. Noah tried his damnedest to work it out but it all came to a head… the day I met him.

I wasn’t aware of exactly what kind of damage I was facing, but from what he’s revealed to me, he’s totalled. He was honest about how he hasn’t had time to get over the relationship and that it’s something he needs.

I’m still trying to figure out how to handle this mini-heartbreak. Unfortunately, I’m not very good at it. I keep dragging him down this rabbit hole when I know the best thing is set him free to sort his head. And in turn, I am entertaining suitors as I nurse an aching heart and will no doubt continue the cycle of bad timing for would-be lovers.

This was originally published on awkwardsauce.com.