Verb: Family | “How do you family?”
What is family? That’s a question I ask myself a lot. I am very much my father’s son. I love the idea of being the man of the family, of being the foundation. The idea of having a family around me, revolving around me. Yet, when I think of it, I love my space, my time, my pace and I want this huge family as long as they adjust to me. As long as they are on my pace. That’s not how a family truly functions. That’s not really how it “should” be with the man of the family. So, what/ who is the man of the family? Why is that we see broken families, or many families fail and break up, yet we still think we can have this “perfect” family? Better yet, who defined this “perfect family”? Whose idea was it to paint the family picture with a mom & dad and children?
When I think of most of the families I know, I think of them as a group of people who are on a ship together. Some people out grow the ship or don’t like the captain on the ship and leave, some fight to steer the ship and dictate where it’s going or fight to set the pace together. Some don’t like the way the ship is kept, and feel they don’t have “their own space” on the ship, so the thought of adapting is more like “I’m giving into this person controlling the ship and me and us more”. In this case, I rather just leave and have my own ship. It’ll be quieter, different, less filled, but just as much as it’ll hurt to feel “alone”, it’ll feel good to just be on my own and at sea by myself, then I can go in any direction I want, at anytime. So, it’s all good, I’ll do that, where do I file my divorce papers? Oh, the kids, we’ll figure it out, but either way I can’t die inside here on this ship. The other co-captain is saying “well it doesn’t matter if you leave this ship because I do everything here anyways, so I’ll be just fine” even though deep down inside you’re drained, can’t see far; but I won’t think of that. I’m gonna be a busy body or really, I don’t have time to be tired or even think about this, because I am giving myself to my kids, my crew members on this ship.
I feel like everywhere you go, you learn a different definition of family, you get to witness a different stage or season of family. Through it all, it’s important to clarify what family is to you. How you want to family? Family is a VERB, we family. How do we family? It doesn’t have to be defined as my mother, my father, my grand-mother, my sister, my brother.
Growing up, I tried to answer this question a lot. I thought I had a great family, and as I grew older I learned that nothing is “set”, nothing is “permanent”, nothing is definite, nothing is like family. I remember having the idea of how a “mom” should be, or how your parent “should” be. Until, I sat back and asked myself why am I putting my family next to this idea of family and using that to define what it is and what it isn’t? I believe family is who you grow with. Family is who you sacrifice with. Family is who you experience different spiritual seasons with. Your friend you met at work can turn into family. Family is who you’re vulnerable with, who you can be vulnerable with and whatever it is, good or bad, either way they’re there with you, wherever you are. That’s how you family. You “family” when you’re in pain, I’m in pain. When you’re winning, I’m winning. You “family” when wherever you are, is where we are. That’s family.
Family isn’t about checking a box and spending holidays and special occasions together, family is how you do life. Your family is the people who you’re doing life with. Whether I’m with you or not, I care and know how a day in the life of your spirit, a day through your eyes look, a day in your body feels; whether I’m there or not; I know. Whether you say it or not, we know. That’s how you know we’re family.
You don’t feel obligated, you don’t feel guilty (well sometimes family makes you feel that way, but that’s their way of expressing their love & pain), but you just feel there. It doesn’t matter, I’m there. Most families are judgmental, tough on each other, most families are dysfunctional, but at the end of the day, we still do life together. I learned that family isn’t limited to who you’re born with or the people you’re born into. You can create your family wherever you are and with whomever you want. But it takes a group of people to create a family.
Most of my “aunts”, “cousins” are not blood related to me, but they are my family. There’s no telling me they aren’t my family, that’s who I do life with. I travel through time with them, whether I’m with them or not. I do life with them. That’s my family. This complete stranger, different race, from a different part of the world, thousands of miles away from me turned into being my closest family member. If you told me when I was a young boy, a young boy from Port-au-Prince, Haiti my closest family member would be my wife, this white girl from the Midwest, from a small town of Green Bay, Wisconsin; would I believe you? Would I have understood God in that moment? Not sure. But decades later, throughout times of pain, times of grace, times of faith, through times of anger, God taught me about family. Most importantly family taught me about God. Family taught me about me.
Family taught me who I am, who I am not. Family taught me my biases, my judgments. Family taught me my gifts, family taught me my faults, my strengths, my weaknesses. Family inspired me, family limited me. Family loved me, family hurt me. Family made me in some seasons and family broke me in others. You learn that that’s just how you “family”.
I learned that to be the man of the house, or the woman of the family; it means you have to be the spiritual root, the spiritual foundation of the family. You guide and steer the ship by being the one that keeps your family close to God. This doesn’t have to be a one-person job. It’s not supposed to be a one-person job. The more people who are focused on keeping the family close to God, the stronger the family, the bigger the family can be. The more rooted the family is. The more blessings & miracles God can work through them and into the world.
I believe this is my purpose. This is the ultimate-goal, to build a team for life. To build a life family. Bring people & keep people as close to love as possible. As close to God as possible, through your life, through your empathy, through your focus and dedication to God. That’s the goal. That’s the aim for family. God is ultimately the compass, God is steering the ship, we simply need to be in-tune with the captain. When he gives us the wheel let him be our guiding compass. Throughout the cruise, we will have a great time on the ship with the family, no matter how the seas are, calm or choppy, we are together, we are here, we are under God’s guidance. That’s how we “family”. We stop and bring people on board and grow our ship, grow our family, we merge our ship with another ship, that’s called building “Relation-Ships”. With that large ship, we cruise the world and grow our family; that’s how we “family”.
