I am married to a good guy but I feel trapped…

A letter to a friend contemplating divorce

Shelia :

I am sorry that you are going through a hard time.

Men are dumb and husband are dumber.

I know very little about Arjun or you and I am far from being an empathetic person who is skilled in understanding people or relationships. I will not be offended or surprised if you tell me that I am completely wrong in any or all of this, but given we spent the time discussing this, I would like to let you know what I think. My two cents.

Your husband, I am sure, deep down knows how lucky he is to have you. You are fun, intelligent and full of life. He is dumb to not to be distraught that you feel disconnected and he is dumber to not show his anguish. He is most likely rationalizing it and feeling unappreciated for being the good husband and father that he is.

He is doing everything a husband should do, but he is not thinking about his role as a lover. He is NOT doing everything a lover should do. He is not making you feel like you are his love, his lust; that you are much more than a wife and a mother. The only girl in the world.

You, on the other hand are feeling trapped. You want a lover, you have always wanted one. Somebody that makes you feel alive when you are with them. Someone who’s passion is infectious. Someone with whom you can play everyday.

You feel that you are a great wife and you are, but you desperately want to love and be loved. When you cry it is not for “what is”. You don’t complain about what Arjun is doing, your don’t complain about the material stuff either. You cry for “what isn’t”. What he isn’t doing, what he cant make you feel.

I think Nina and I were in a very similar situation. She needed a lover as well. Someone who she felt great being with. I had a history of dumbness on my part.

However, unlike your appreciation for Arjun as a husband. Nina didn’t appreciate me at all. She didn’t feel I brought anything to the table. When I looked at this all objectively, I came to a conclusion that we just didn’t have any foreseeable chemistry. Whatever I did she just wouldn’t be happy.

Once I reached that conclusion I was then certain that she would be happier without me. In our case I do believe that this is true. For her the feeling of control on life choices is paramount and she never had that with me because of circumstances.

Although you have a similar situation, the fact that you still try and kiss him and want him to kiss you and you haven’t said anything bad about him makes me feel that you guys do have it in you do be happy together. You both appreciate each others core. You are good at the husband, wife thing and probably great parents as well.

Arjun is not going to become an adventurous alpha male (though you never know) and you are not going to be a wallflower who believes that living a plain life is a blessing (this is certain). I do however feel that you should give being lovers a try. The fire, it seems has never burned, and maybe the spark will never be found, but I do believe that the kindling and firewood is there.

If you guys did divorce, you both will find people that will make you happy. You will have a feeling of excitement and freedom but you will also have a deep sense of loss. If you experiment with being lovers, it could be an adventure and you may discover sides of each other that are latent. If not you will know you gave it a shot.

Make a thoughtful decision. Know that you are not running out of time. There is no clock ticking for someone who is as vivacious as you.

Your friend

Ayaan