your letter arrived last night when I came from work. very nice of you to write me a whole letter when you say in it that you don’t want to talk to me. you might be in a conflict there.
i am being an asshole, aren’t i? nothing you are not used to.
i did get that job and now, every day, until the clock shows 6 pm, i am miserable. not that it ends when i get to leave work. then i go home and eat some cold leftovers and watch netxflix and be miserable on my own. again, nothing you are not used to.
the day you told me you could not keep doing this anymore, that you were hurting and told me the fact i was hurting you when i was supposed to be the person who needed to love you the most was hurting you even more, i did not understand. to me, i did everything out of love. and sometimes out of not understanding what you wanted. i tried to make it work, trust me. i did not think we would be together forever because, you know, i am not a naive summer child but i thought we had some more time left to spend together. you hurt me when you said you could not keep doing this anymore. i cared about myself, not you. not about what you were trying to tell me. i cared that you would not be there for me anymore, for me to dump all my internal conflicts on you. for that, i want to say i am sorry. but you were right, that was not gonna stop. i was not going to change, amelie. you did the right thing.
i want to tell you that because i know you. i know you will keep questioning yourself about it. you can never make a decision and leave it like that. for you, deciding takes forever and comes with its aftermath. you need to stop doing that. so that you dont hurt in your next relationship.
i am not you, amelie. i dont really think about us often. not that you dont come to my mind but i stop it when it happens. i dont listen to the songs we listened to together. i dont think about your tangled blond hair on my shoulders when i read you the french poems. you never told me you thought it was pretentious. you need to stop being too nice. it is not helping you, or the world.
i saw that black dog we fed together near the harbor. i thought someone would adopt him already but no one did. i thought about it but you know me, i dont do responsibilities. was that why you also left me? i guess.
amelie, there are so many things i could apologize to you about. but i will not do it because what will make you forgive me is not my apologies but the peace you make with me in your head. and with the past. i hope you let go one day. let go of me and the past and our love and mistakes and hurt and the happiness. just let go, amelie.
i know you will be happy again. you are the girl with the crooked smile.
you will get there.
(not) yours (anymore),