My Pool & My Game
Exploring the dynamic of how we unconsciously relate to each other, like it was a value game and how we can shift towards relating more authentically
The Game Rules — We maintain a pool of people. We relate to these people with varying levels of conscious and unconscious behaviour. At times we have a transactional mentality — we need something, we look towards the pool of people to assess who will best satisfy the thirst.
When we have a need, our unconscious mind swiftly calculates — looking towards the pool of people, assigning a value for each person based on our perceived understanding of who they are and how that matches with what we need. The value game is on!
In this value game, the primary selection criteria is - who can best meet our need. If every person in the pool has an equal potential to meet our needs then that also means that every person is to some degree replaceable by another person in the pool.
When a person in our pool is capable of meeting our need but refuses to play our game, we are quick to “flip the switch” and that person becomes “faulty” in our value game.
Our unconscious mind now simplifies the game by gradually extracting this person from the pool and the process starts by focusing on their flaws until the question arises — is this person worthy of being in our pool when they offer unreliable value?
Image Equals Value — How well do we play the value game? We strategically share fragments of ourselves to project an image that will bring us the most benefit. We seem to believe that our value in someone’s mind is reliant on the stories we tell. And so, we become selective in what we share.
In our unconscious and calculating mind, we have created an image of who someone is and what they might value. Like a salesperson, we “sell” them the story they will connect with.
We repeat this process with multiple people while bearing the burden of upholding our various images. Sometimes we stumble, our stories and our images get all mixed up — showing contradictions that make people wonder, who is this person really?
Self-image — Besides the images we showcase to others, we carry a self-image. This self-image can be a bundle of misconceptions, for instance, a self-image that can do no wrong. Where even if we were to harm someone, the story in our biased mind would make us the hero. We believe our story so desperately, that anyone who questions it becomes the enemy and again, not worthy of being in our pool.
Our pool can only have people who meet our needs, believe our stories and support the images of ourselves that we want to project. Our mind has gone to such an effort to create this complex dynamic. So why would our mind, allow someone into our pool, who could potentially question the value games we play or even the existence of the pool that we’ve so artfully created?
And so the game goes on….as long as we are busy, there is no space to stop playing to meet our needs and seeking better players is always top of the agenda. So who wants to play?
How to shift towards relating more authentically
Stop The Game? The process must start with self-examination. We need to take a good look at ourselves and ask some fundamental questions, such as where does the sense of entitlement come from? It's acceptable that we have needs but why do we feel entitled to carry out a value game? How often do we make space for someone else’s needs to be in focus without thinking “what about me”?
Cultivating Observing Space — With our stories constantly running in our mind, we gravitate towards what supports our mental creations. By finding ways to slow down our thought process, we can better observe our thoughts and start paying attention to thought patterns. A gradual process that will lead to creating a space for just observing.
It is this observing position that allows us to look beyond ourselves. As we increasingly observe ourselves, we also increasingly observe others. It's no longer a purely supply and demand dynamic. Its a dynamic of presence and paying attention to a bigger picture.
Responsibility — Authentic relating requires that we work our way back to our roots. That we explore our individual truths and share these without making others responsible for what we experience.
We need to try to stay connected with ourselves and others, even when our needs are not met and we go through difficulty that isn’t immediately understandable. It’s important to continue to stay with the experience that we create, while we give and receive appreciation for openness and honesty with each other.
About the author & Further reading
Many thanks to Dr Mehmet Yildiz for interviewing me as a new creative writer of ILLUMINATION
As a new writer, I’ve been keen to explore various topics and writing styles. Have a look at some of the other articles I’ve published recently and please feel free to share your thoughts! It’s always great to learn from feedback
Many thanks to Dr Mehmet Yildiz for interviewing me as a new creative writer of ILLUMINATION