Can I possibly ‘think’ through heartbreak?: Notes from Therapy

I was on Twitter and came across a handle where the woman seemed to be miserable because of a relationship that had recently ended. Her tweets pointed at not being able to enjoy anything because her thoughts were clouded by the loss, shame, rejection and hurt. While I was scrolling through those tweets, I felt her pain only because I was all too familiar with it. There is no way for me or any psychologist to tell exactly what pain she was reeling from, simply because no two hearts break the same way or under the same circumstances. I can relate, from my own experiences of heartbreak of course, but her experience is hers alone and it is valid even if nobody else completely gets how she’s currently feeling.
If you’ve lived to be in your 20s, I’m sure you’ve experienced some version of that feeling too. Feeling rejected by another human cannot be compared to a job rejection or losing a friend, because the nature of a romantic relationship puts our whole selves on display. When in a relationship, partners are closely acquainted with each others’ quirks and kinks and work and family. If one of the partners decide to exit, it leaves the other partner feeling like not just the social part or career part or personal part of their self, but all these parts together were rejected. This is what makes it hurtful. “I showed you my whole self and you did not think it was good enough for you!”.
Well, there is more to it than that elementary conclusion.
Nothing makes me an authority on dealing with heartbreak, but consider this a kind of perspective on an experience that is both: universal and personal at the same time. Heartbreak is an adverse event. It is an objectively unpleasant experience. However, it is one that we often forget we have a choice in the experience of.
It may sound insensitive that I used the word “choice” because when the pain is so deep, we fail to see how there could be a choice in feeling something that comes so naturally. But there is. Allow me to present my case.
Remember when you were in Grade 4 and you swore to your diary that the cute mischievous monster who sat ahead of you in class was the only boy you would ever find bearable? One day he was mean to you during sports class and you decided he wasn’t the one. You grew up and found a more suited match in Grade 7, a math wizard that helped you with the right answers and passed you chits during class, who you made your first “boyfriend”. School’s out and so is the sweetie you first coyly said I love you to. You grew into your college pants and found a charming partner, who made reconsider why you thought of any of your ex-flames as boyfriends at all. Unfortunately, this relationship too reached a natural end and you broke up with up with him. Finally you found what felt like Mr./Ms. Right or 3 and thought to yourself, “You know what? This might be it.”. Guess what, it is one these that you’re probably crying over right now.
I assume you’re protesting in your mind saying “I didn’t feel this way about anybody else” or “He was the only person I dated.” or “I know no one like him”, among other reasons that attempt to justify why this last person you dated was so irreplaceable. To justify why this heartbreak is hitting you the hardest.
At this point I’d like to point out, no matter what kind of connection you think you felt with someone, or the kind of perfect you thought your ex partner was, it is the way of life to prove you wrong as I illustrated in my example. When you were crushing on Grade 4 cutie or saying ‘love you’ to your Grade-7-to-forever lover or your college sweetheart, it felt like there was nothing beyond that.
Yet, if you look back, you have evidence now to see that there clearly was. There always is. You just have to wait long enough to see that there is always another and better for you.
It is a bitter pill to swallow because how can you let go of love so easy? Truth is, we choose to make it difficult for ourselves. How, you ask? By indulging our wants.
All the obsessive thinking that we engage in, following an undesired split from a partner, focuses on legitimate and just reasons for why you would have wanted for the relationship to work out.
“He was right for me. He truly understood me.”, “He ticked off all the checkboxes.”, “She was the very manifestation of my dreams”
I am sure he/she was.
But the fact remains, that this uneasiness, this experience of sadness is arising because you are not just saying that you WANTED it to work out, instead you’re implying that because you WANTED something so bad, so it absolutely SHOULD HAVE worked out.
However, it unfortunately and regretfully did not. But in insisting that it SHOULD HAVE, you are negating reality (that it simply didn’t). This kind of a demand from reality (that it should have worked out) will set you up for depressive feelings, because the reality that has already occurred, will never meet with this demand.
What is the anti-dote then? Cliché as it sounds: Acceptance.
Acknowledge that what happened was not desired, yet don’t let this episode be defintive in any way. Do not give up hope about finding some other meaningful relationship just because this one important relationship that you valued, unfortunately could not work out. This might actually open you to situations and places and a state of mind of ‘trying’. Trying to be happy INSPITE of, trying to allow new relationships to form, trying to let it go.
Extending acceptance to the fact that you might feel shitty for a while, because you went through something you didn’t deserve , until you find the next best thing, might help you have a better relationship with this nagging feeling.You cannot expect to feel a positive emotion about a negative event (heartbreak sucks) and so I don’t mean that you will necessarily feel happy, but I mean you may feel a healthier sadness as opposed to this depressiveness. A kind of feeling that acknowledges that what happened was not what was desired and was hurtful and bad, but at the same time allows you to move past that experience. Allows you to enjoy activities and interactions with new people and events such as your birthday.
The very nature of intimate relationships is such that you willingly put yourself in a vulnerable space because there is always the scope for rejection and hurt. We know that at the back of our minds when we’re entering one. The possibility and the chance. Yet we hope for the best. But the fact remains, that no matter how well a relationship progresses, that chance does not disappear. Even if the ultimate commitment of marriage or verbal affirmation of ‘forevers’ is made. That chance is sticky and doesn’t budge.
Some of us would insist “But he promised he would not leave like the others!”. A commitment of any sort, even if just in what was felt and verbally exchanged, is merely an intention. The person probably meant it at the time but then again, we are humans and people change their minds all the time (including yourself). Sadly, there is no guarantee we can have with regard to the longevity of the relationship, or that goodwill will be reciprocated, or the promise to not have your heartbroken. Ideally it would be nice to have such guarantees given at the start, as though we were investing in a product. But we know the truth and that relationships are far from those. They are dynamic and ever changing.
This is why it is not a wise idea to peg your self-worth on something that is constantly changing. The relationship you share with one particular person. Although they or you may one day decide you don’t want them/ or them you, either of you will not be as affected because of the knowledge that you are not JUST that relationship. And that is enough to keep you going ahead and finding partners who you see value in and who see value in you.
The best that we can do when working in uncertain circumstances (read: every circumstance) is to make the decision that seems to be the best for that current situation given what you know at that time. Because we have no guarantees to know better anyway.
Things that can help:
- Talking with a therapist! Come on with the taboos already! There is nothing wrong with you if you speak to someone about your emotions and have them show you things in a new light. Making meaning of important events help us integrate them in the narrative of lives as essential to our growth.
- Having a routine: structuring your time so you have tasks to achieve and a purpose to work towards. Even if the purpose is as tiny and inconsequential as making tea in the morning or not missing your exercise, helps frame our abundant time into manageable and purposeful mini-task times.
- Channeling your emotions in healthy and helpful expressions:
- Writing a letter to your future self detailing what you learnt from this experience and advice you would like to give. Note: write it as though you are giving this advice to a friend.
- Making artwork to represent how you’re feeling, focus should not be on the result of the art as much as it on the process. Try to symbolise your emotions using paint colours, materials, drawings or any other medium to be included in the artwork.
- Venting to someone you trust about how you feel, or just venting to your diary and discarding the pages soon after.
- Avoiding triggers/ specific places, events, items that remind you of your partner. Delete text conversations, unfollow and try not to pick on old wounds.
