I live a lie.
I’ve always been aware of it.
It started with the feeling of never having love because like everything else about me, my ideas about love were culminated from the media I fed my mind. Love as it had been portrayed meant compliments and always being in favor, it meant being treated nicely. That did it back then for me.
And so I strove really hard, to be in everybody else’s favor, from my parents, to my friends, to my idea of God, to strangers, to anybody really. It was a roller coaster journey, with no identity apart from the labels I received from the ones I strove for.
It gave me multiple albeit temporary points of view, each point of view coming and going, never taking root. I had places to visit but no shelter, I had personas but I wasn’t a person, I was a fragmented mix of labels struggling vainly to attain synergy of any sort.
‘I’ as I knew me had been a construct I had been clinging to, because I was too scared to accept the terror that came with not existing and so I accepted their labels. I accepted their labels because that was the only way I knew to get ‘love’, because that was the only way to exist, to have a life.
Now I feel it, I feel the illusion giving way. I woke up a while ago, I don’t know the exact moment it occurred but it so happened that in waking up I realized I was king and my kingdom was calling me. Its cries were the catalysts propelling the shattering of my make believe world where I’m qualified by degrees and accomplishments, by opinions and conditional love, by shiny toys and trophy wives, where all I am is nothing more than a metaphor for the ‘good life’, a representation of an ideal that doesn’t exist, a lie.
I don’t know what the truth is yet neither do I know where I’m going with this, but I do know that I’ve learnt a bit about love and a bit about life and I’m learning more.
I know that it’s time to let go of the labels and ideas I accepted from everywhere else, that it’s time I let the truth out, that it’s time to accept responsibility for my kingdom and sadly;
That it’s time ‘I’ died.