#Laterdium Dilettante, but perhaps interesting opinion about frustration, acceptance skill and emotional intelligence
Disc. Last year I visited the #Hive8 at San Francisco. It was one of the greatest things that happened to me. And here’s why. (Sharing emotions right after my trip there).
Moscow, SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2016 — The last six months changed me totally. I didn’t turned into a super hero. But what was happening inside of me — it’s powerful. I started with:
- practical psychologists’ works: by amazing professors Goleman and Bern
- a well proven tibetan buddhist teachers’ thoughts received during a conversations, lectures, or reading of 10–20 books
- and “Lean In” of Sandberg
- helpful articles of Harvard Business Review
- structured feedback from my wonderful colleagues from Aitarget and Phoenix Case School
and a long period of soul-searching and consciousness in of my life. All this became a part of me. The apogee was a trip to San Francisco for an international program http://hive.org/ #hive8, where the most important findings for me were proved. Maybe, they are obvious to many of you (because you are wise, kind, intelligent, well-educated), but for myself, I made a significant self-awareness level-up.
The self-aware part of humankind has no choice. If you have a «life-long purpose», then you go for it. If not, then you are looking for it. To avoid any confusion regarding the wording of purpose in your life, this is what you define as an answer to the question “What was the purpose of my life?” to 70+ years old yourself.
And the answer may include this: “To be happy, healthy, live for a family,” etc., because it is quite a clear reply to the question. However, there is an interim condition between the first and the second ones. It’s a disappointment after a fail. This situation is temporary. Nature frustration is a negative psychological reflection caused by the mismatch of human emotional expectations of the possible outcomes.
We turn to the analysis of a work on the neuropsychology by Goleman and Kahneman, and isolate the main components of our reflecting nature:
- Emotional reflection
- The negative connotation of reflection
- Emotional expectations
1–2. We know that something happens which entails one of the several variants of the results. We want to implement some of the results and hate to exercise other. At the same time, we can have an understanding of the probability of a particular outcome, whether truthful or not. Often people confuse the indicators of the desired result with reality, and therefore they begin to form certain expectations about the outcome.
3–4. Emotional reflection is an ordinary part of the human psychology caused by our unconscious nature programmed into us, or a “habit” of our brain to react emotionally to events happening with us. This reflection can be harmful. That is, for example, if you were bitten by a dog in your childhood, and you experienced intense fear, this phobia can stay with you until old age, and each of your encounter with dogs can end for you from anxiety to panic reactions, regardless if this poor dog is harmless or not. It is the very strong habit of your brain that gives you an enormous amount of trouble.
5–6 belong to a predictive psychology. It is much easier to live if we create and get used to psychological patterns to imagine our future in some forms of expectations. Most often, these expectations are directly related to emotions, which (as we believe) will experience the expectations’ performance. For example: I expect from my closest people a bouquet of flowers as my birthday gift, and I will look forward to the joy of such a manifestation of attention. If they give me no flowers, I feel a little disappointed (actually not). Since I’m talking about the frustration, you can learn the way how to avoid it. Achieving expectations (in most cases) is quite a time consuming process. The execution of them must be controlled by a best-skilled project manager in you. And if there is no clear understanding of what is provided, therefore in this case frustration is not justified.
While the real understanding of a real event probability and the impact of your actions to obtain a particular result exists, you can control most of the expectations, and hence the emotional reaction and can avoid frustration. It is a state of acceptance. Ability to accept is this essential part of emotional intelligence skills and learning from mistakes. Pay attention to your ability to hear and accept the facts, logic, and experience, even if you don’t trust them. I have long been recognized by yourself that I have completely atrophied acceptance skill or it was absent always — it is (I hope) should remain in the past. The desire to get to the truth and a vague idea of its goals was forced to pass this small, but significant part of my life changed my way.
Tom Chi (Former UX Google X head and co-founder of the X-Factory) held a skill training on rapid prototyping for the participants of the Hive program. One of the main rapid prototyping ideas was the following: the ability to create something depends on the ability to learn quickly at the stage of a research and a product development. But if you cannot learn something quickly or if you do not know how to take a different opinion and feedback quickly or worse — do not know to do it (i.e. do not have the skill of acceptance).
The most common cause of this skill is when a previous negative reflection on the expectations has not justified, which left in your heads “dark spots” — memories that blocked your freedom of decision-making because of fear of repeating the unfortunate situation. Meditation helps to overcome these “dark spots” in mind and develop the acceptance skill.
It is a scientifically proven effect, and we can now appeal to the works of neuroscientists.
It is sufficient to create the habit of “listening” to emotions, try to keep tracking of every thought and emotion, not forming a reaction. This makes a brain study itself and control emotions. It also, makes it understand the logic of a feelings nature. Meditation is one of the most useful mental exercises for the development of emotional intelligence and the formation of sound mind and sound decision-making based on your principles.
When I applied for the Hive, I had no idea what I could to get there and got changed a little bit — yes, definitely to the better side of myself. Thanks to the 3-day program, where 150 people from 40 countries of the world
participated, probably every one of us could see that we were looking for, a lot, and we all saw that we are citizens of the world who want to make better humanity and are willing to devote their daily work to it.
The Hive holds the warm, supportive atmosphere where it is incredibly easy to open up to everyone, but it is not the most important thing. Hive speakers and coaches share a point that the main fear which holds us back from an action is a fear of judgment. In fact, it doesn’t exist. It’s just our illusion, reasoned by “black spots.” Thanks to new technologies, leaders and enthusiasts among us are given a more powerful voice.
To be aware of the presence of more than a hundred talented people living around the world, have a good intuition, a vision of a better world, more ideas, and who are already making a difference, is important. Because it gives the feeling of unity and understanding the Hivemind perspectives.
There are some of my findings that I would like to share. I believe that this list helps to get closer to life goals:
- Figure out your life purpose or at least try to do it. You will remain hanging in a space without a clear statement of your life purpose, suffering from your doubts (if your job suits you, or your team suits you, or even if there are no opportunities). You do not know what you want, don’t you?
- It does not matter whose idea, and how good it is. Ideas are quite impractical matter. Only actions and results have real value. Only your clear steps that you have taken are important for the world and you.
- All the boundaries of your capabilities that you have inside are illusory. You can step over.
- Develop networking and hard skills. All your success depends on them, and sooner or later you will need them to do.
And do not regret taking a time to search for truth, and work honestly.