Why do I feel burdened all the time?
my racing thoughts on life
Why?
When I was actually the one creating those crazy ambitious ‘to-do-lists’ myself. When I was the one who’s too much of an Idealist to think I can tick all of those lists and take all of the responsibilities.
Do I even know my capabilities? Do I know when is it enough, or more, or less than my mental and physical capacity? Or am I just being purely lazy?
Is it because I lost the “passion”? Is it because I feel like I have established that I’m passionate about those things and I have to do it, cause otherwise what will I do? Doing work that I’m not passionate about? How did I even know that it was my passion? What’s even a passion? (Who told you, you have to do it, though?)
Does my self-established-identity actually ruining myself? Am I causing my own anxiety? What is it? Does it actually come from my fluctuating self-esteem and insecurities? That was it isn’t it? (Spoiler alert: Yes, it was)
I always thought I managed to control my emotions. I thought I was past this mental state, whatever it is that’s constantly causing my insecurities.
Is it because I didn’t let go? Because I’m too strict with myself, my schedule, and my to-d-lists? Is it because I’m holding on too much to what I can’t actually control? Am I being delusional?
That’s a lot of questions to ask, maybe too much. Maybe I’m okay, and all of that is just thoughts that will eventually go away, or maybe it won’t. Maybe it’ll stay like this forever and I have to be okay with it? Or I’ll eventually find the answers, then I’ll be capable enough to clear out my head and be content with myself. I’m asking questions again. I should stop.
Or should I?
I wrote this draft more than a year ago and I never have the courage published it (until now). I was so insecure (or still is, most of the time), I’ve always thought the only thing that define my self-worth was my productivity. The things I produced, things I create, my passion, and every manifestation of it.
I was wrong
The more books I read, the more stories of other people’s adventure through self-discovery that I watched, observed, read, the closer I am to the answer. Almost every stories have at least mentioned about insecurities and self doubt. They all went through it. Making a mental shift was a pivotal moment for each and every one of them and it’s just part of life.
The truth is I, myself, as a living being, is enough. I somehow tricked my own mind thinking I wasn’t, but I am enough. We’re all enough.
“I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough” -Lauren Daigle
I am enough.
Thank You so much for reading!
