“Life’s a bitch, and then you die”: Republicans Rebrand the AHCA with that Grand Old Gangsta Rap

In a reframing of the AHCA coordinated by the Honorable Omarosa Manigault, G.O.P. Leaders ”represent” their favorite “old school gangsta rap” to broaden the bill’s base appeal amongst 25–40 year old Millenials and Gen X-ers.

Paul Ryan

“My four four make sure all y’all kids don’t grow” — Tupac Shakur, Hit ’Em Up

Pack — that’s what Pac is short for — has been my favorite rapper for quite some time now. His unbridled enthusiasm is a reflection of Pack’s Thug Passion for consumer individuality! That’s why I rock out to Pack and RATM every morning in the congressional gym, all the while staring at Nancy Pelosi’s Pilates class in the mirror — you have to keep one eye on her. Pack felt that, and then some. He kept All Eyez on the Democrats, and it shows in this complicated take on healthcare. Pack is pretending he’s a liberal, and his .44 is a metaphor for wasteful government spending on healthcare that prevents economic growth. Pack feels the same way about America’s children. In this ”Trumparyan” diss track of East Coast elitist Biggie Smalls, Pack posits: how can you have hope for the youth to grow today by taking money from their future employers all for “basic pediatric health care”? Shakur is a regular African Ayn Rand — Ben Sasse ok’d that. Go Pack! I can’t wait for his new album to drop!

Mike Pence

“Respect the game, that should be it. What you eat don’t make me shit; Where’s the love?” — Jay Z, Heart of the City (Ain’t No Love)

Now, I saw the “s” word and scowled too, but like the bible, if you read it over and over, it starts to make sense. Jay — some say Jay Hova — uses “politically incorrect” language to strengthen his point. At times a Christian Warrior must sacrifice, and in sacrificing his language, Jay proves his faith to God, and well… the Democrats, I just wonder where their faithis in the AHCA. Now this may sound combative, but it’s my truth, and so it’s the truth of the country that elected Donald Trump and I — how do the liberals, saying “the healthcare bill is going to let millions of people die”, tolerate their language? Now that’s… just… disrespectful! All we’re asking the Democrats is “where’s the love?”, and like Jay, all we hear back is there “ain’t no love”. It’s mean!

Steve Bannon

“Imma keep it cool head stay out of the news; Headlines, and show other rappers it’s bedtime” — T.I., Bring Em Out

T.I. is rapping about Obamacare’s deep state death panels. For instance, at Breitbart I was spewing headlines about Democrats wanting to put others to “bedtime”, but now that I’m quiet about it, it’s completely flipped — you feel me? ATL! Tip cribbed his off-pentameter style from my 1990’s rap musical that’s now being produced posthumously by the ghost of Roger Ailes, cuck free. Healthcare, right. Obviously, T.I. proposes deconstruction for healthcare, as would the famous philosopher Derrida. I have all his books, and can confirm T.I. is from the deconstructionist school of rap — straight up Judeo-Christian, sirs. We get it. We’re off record as usual, yeah?

Donald Trump

“Sit down little bitch, be humble” — Kendrick Lamar, HUMBLE.

Crooked Hillary, just let it go already! If people wanted Obamacare, which, why would they, they all lost it when the prices just doubled. Skyrocketed! How could they keep, it doesn’t make sense? They lost it already! Russia is fake news, which Obama didn’t even do anything about when he found out, so you tell me, what do you think? And Crooked Hillary, Trump beat her worse than any man has beaten a woman, ever!

Ivanka, shut up, I’m doing an interview. Yeah I know, I beat Hillary in the election, thank you for pointing that [unintelligible]… See, she’s hot and smart, but not too smart, and that’s why I [lamentable]… And it’s a really real point. I beat Hillary so badly [deplorable]… was red all over! Right Melania, the map was red. And Ivanka, for fucks sake, I heard you and I don’t care if this quote isn’t old school yet, stop going all deep state on me with those “details.” Steve told me about that, and now I know, so cut it out, ok?

So, very healthcare is, very complicated.

Mitch McConnell

“The rings and things you sing about, bring ’em out; it’s hard to yell when the barrel’s in your mouth” — Biggie Smalls, Rap Phenomenon

I been seven years straight spittin’ this buuuuulllshhit. Mitchie!