Thanks to 2015

(Bu yazıyı Türkçe de okuyabilirsiniz.)

A friend, Burcu, who hosts me when I go to Istanbul, recently told me ‘You traveled a lot lately, you need to share what you learned’. She is right. Almost half of 2015, I was on the roads, being in 8 different countries, with more than 10 different communities, meeting activists, changemakers, entrepreneurs, choir chiefs, writers, artists, young and old, men and women, many people from many countries. It was a though, but great year.

At the end of 2013 and 2014, I wrote what I established in the past year and my goals for the new year. But I noticed that I’m not very goal-oriented. This time, I decided to write what I learned last year, and I want to definitely remember this year.

If you lose hope, look at the library.

I had times last year that I was full of envy which later turned to hate and anger towards myself. It was like a deep dark pit… deep, very deep. More I went in that direction, comparing myself with someone else, with an artist, a writer, a social entrepreneur, a leader, a woman or a sister, more I felt anger and shame. I couldn’t hold it more and collapsed in autumn. It was pretty depressed. I was not like usual me, but more like a cynical asshole, throwing complains outside and fears inside. Fears… It was like a chain, one on top of another one.

Meanwhile I continued reading my beloved books. I read and practiced the Artist’s Way. I started to read Women Who Run With The Wolves, after a harsh fight with my husband, while searching for a psychotherapist. Apparently the book was written by Jungian analyst Clarissa Pinkola Estés. Also I continued to read the book gifted to me by a lovely woman, Mareike, in Berlin, after Ashoka ChangemakerXchange in August: The Gifts of Imperfection. While days passed, this trio healed me magically.

I learned last year that whenever you feel angry or hopeless, find a book in a library and read. Just breathe, and read, and continue doing both. It will pass, you’ll heal, believe in the library.

Turn off the screen, find peace at yourself.

Last month in Madrid, Spain, I stayed with Iván and his family during Empulse Festival. When we were with Iván’s parents at home, we watched TV with them. In Turkey, talent competitions are getting more and more popular, like Got Talent and The Voice Kids. Though it was my first time watching children cooking and competing at Junior Masterchef. I was surprised, even shocked. 8–10-years-old children were waiting nervously and getting criticism because they helped each other! Cruel competition, rivalry, stress, fear, that’s what TV was telling to me.

The other day, I cooked Turkish coffee for Ivan. It was my first time preparing it with a pan, instead of a cezve. It was a trial, so it was exciting, and it worked. Then we looked at the coffee cups for fortune-telling, or story-telling, and dreamed together about a creative social economy. An economy, full with collaboration, inspiration and happiness; not ‘as seen on TV’, but ‘as felt at the garden’.

I learned last year that whenever you feel lonely and need connection, turn off the screen, including your computer and phone. Disconnect first to connect more. You cannot give something you don’t have. First find peace in yourself, at your house, with your family and friends. Then you can spread to your neighborhood, to your city, then who knows…

Accept and recognize your gifts, all of them!

In November, I attended a conference about social innovation in Malmö, Sweden. At the first day, there was a session for Petcha-Kutcha presentations of social entrepreneurs. I was the fifth speaker, the one before the end. The speakers came to the stage after a little introduction about them: ‘A social entrepreneur from blabla’, ‘Manager of blabla’… Then my turn came. My stomach started to ache. The introduction: ‘She is a dreamer, believer, creator and connector…’ I burned… A little noise attacked immediately inside: ‘You’re very arrogant! Why didn’t you write to your profile just social entrepreneur? Are you really all of these? Why cannot you be just one thing? Isn’t one enough? Are you enough?’ And many more… Oh yes, my mind is very fast and harsh while attacking me. Shame flame arose just before speaking on stage. Not a good timing. But I survived and gave a speech, maybe not my best but still it was a clear speech. Maybe thanks to all of my gifts written at my profile, I gave that speech while burning.

I think it’s a cultural thing, for this lands. I know my gifts, they are there, I’m aware. But it is kind of forbidden to point out, mention or talk about my gifts. I should be humble. It’s more like a duty. If I have a gift, I have to use it, I’m obligated to serve accordingly. That’s it. No thankfulness, no self-compassion. Actually I believe we’re all gifted. But the roles sometimes squeeze us to only a branch of skills and gifts. Then if the goals are accomplished according to the different roles, it’s normal, no? No, no, God damn NO! It’s a gift. It’s precious. It’s beautiful. It’s what makes me, me. :)

Apparently they call us, people like me, hummingbirds, multipotentialites and renaissance people. I’m not good with the labels or the roles, as I said before. I believe we are all gifted and the gifts are many.

I learned last year not be ashamed of the gifts. Stop blaming yourself being what you’re and having different gifts or calls. Accept, smile and be thankful. Then you’ll serve anyway.

To be or not to be, that’s the question.

I recently read an article about being ready. Also at the Young Choir Chiefs Academy in Ankara, Turkey, this month, many mentors mentioned the importance of planning for the rehearsals. I agree with them. As a diving leader, a project coordinator and a community builder, I know the importance of dreaming, visioning and preparing myself before it actually happens. But I should add that being there, living, noticing what actually happens, as important as dreaming. Not worrying about past or future, but being there is very important.

A book accompanied me throughout last year, the book of a storyteller Judith Liberman, Tale Therapy (originally ‘Masal Terapi’). In May, I attended the gathering, organized by Judith and another friend, traveler and storyteller Hülya Tosun, in Fethiye, Turkey. It was the time that I wrote and created each and every day happily, full of inspiration.

I learned a song there, which stacked in my head. It’s a quote from a story about a worried king and a relaxed shoemaker. King spends his days thinking what will happen next, in his lands. He cannot enjoy any nice moments, cause he always thinks further, and further. ‘What if this or that happens next? What if… What if…?’ Then he meets the shoemaker…

I learned last year that whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, sing the song:

Today looked after today,

Next day looks after next day,

Why would I worry for the unborn day?

Feed your dreams today by a little step.

After so many travels, movements and connections for last year, I had many confusions and ups and downs. For each of them two people saved me: my husband Onur and my partner-in-crime Ayşe. Onur reminded me ‘Feed whatever you want to grow’ and Ayşe reminded ‘One step, one breath’.

It’s not easy at all to select a ‘wise’ choice, which may show its effect only on long-run. Which to select: Being happy, for sure, after eating something heavy, gravy or sweet, or sitting and talking about a problem, while there is no evidence showing that I’ll be happy after the talk? Work more and more late in the evening or at the weekend, to say that ‘I did it! I’m successful’, or say ‘no’ to some offers to relax, accepting that I don’t have superpowers nor magic? OK, maybe the first one is easier, but hey, am I not magical?

I learned last year that it’s not easy to see the whole picture, while you’re still at a frame. But it’s on your hands to live the dream, a part of it from today. Feed whatever you want to grow. Feed your dreams today. Concentrate on the next step, the next breath, as Momo says, nothing else. Choose your step wisely. Instead of escaping from it, go for it!

Thanks to all great roads that 2015 brought.

Happy 2016, full of new roads!