VULNERABLE

“ I’ve seen things “, — Charlie (The perks of being wallflower )

me too, I kept seeing things, like Charlie did. I kept blaming myself for not being “ fit “ in society or not trying enough to adapt to a new environment.

I know I’m different from anyone else, i cannot really fit anywhere, jut because i think differently and seeing world differently than others.

I got depressed, I’m lonely, I’m longing for deep connection with another human being. I always feel my life is a failure, that I’m not deserved to be happy, or having a meaningful relationship between people.
 I hate human, as much as I hate myself. I hate because I want to love and be loved. love is the best feeling in the world, for human.

I always want to do everything right, I want people to be happy, I want to understand them, and hoping they understand me also, but ended up i’m always pulled myself off from people, because I’m so scared, I read too many details , I analyze unnecessary things , I got anxious easily and insecure , and I cope my anxieties with getting myself out from people.

it’s because I take other people emotion and problem unconsciously, and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m lost, in a black hole. I want to get out, I want to see the lights.

I want to stop feeling others emotion and insecurity. I want to stop my paranoia.

I always feel I do not belong anywhere

even though, I realize we are alone. we born alone and will die alone. you cannot cope this loneliness by philosophical discourse.

loneliness is my eternal friend.

I got depressed one day,
I do meditation, it’s not working
I do read lots of self-help articles, it’s not working
I go to the gym, eating healthy, socialize more, it doesn’t help much. 
it feels like my mind is not working, I can’t think clearly.

I’ve seen lots of things in my head, there is a moment i just want to end this.
what is the point, to live like this? I never want to be born. I have a free will to kill myself right now, I always have an option.

But then, I heard someone speaking, the voice is sublating, I’m familiar with that voice. it’s me.

I’m speaking to myself, I thought I was hallucinating. but I’m not.
it said,

“ everything is temporary, just wait for a moment, you can pass this “

and I got my sense back, I’m desperately praying to anything that might hear me, the moon, the sun, the wind, the stars, anything. it changed the way I feel and think about life and myself.

depression is a transformation. it feels shit and the pain is so deep.

but we need to experience darkness to understand the lights.

after all, there is no way people will understand me, nor I understand them completely. no one. we are so complex.

All I need to do is swimming through my depression, my loneliness, dance with it, and not trying to escape, because I cannot escape anyway . all we need to do is just there for a while, to feel the pain, deal with that shit and always have hope for the future, because there is nothing last forever . it will end and back again soon, as long as we are still breathing.