Make Myself Dizzy

Part of me is faking
Faking it all just for fun
Part of me is breaking
Breaking apart when you come
This morning I woke up and sat outside on the balcony that I don’t take advantage of enough. The sun was starting to rise in the early morning and I sat; still and waiting. Not really sure what was waiting for, but I do know that it never came.
As I sat, I started to think. People who think about themselves and voice it are often seen as narcissistic, but is it narcissistic to think about yourself and how you can better yourself — for you? There is something about voicing your ideas to people on change and seeing the feedback that you didn’t think of from somebody else, but other people don’t like that.
When people find out that you’re thinking of changing, it spurs an emotion within them. They look for a change in there life too and try to figure out what they can do to find a solution in their little bubble. It’s a domino effect — people try to change and other change with them — people toppling on top of one another. This doesn’t mean it’s a good domino effect. Sometimes people change for the worse or you change and realize that maybe it wasn’t the best idea that they had.
There have been changes in my own life that I know were right decisions. Getting out of certain relationships, growing my friend group, and branching out in my career path. They’re all things that I know I wanted to change and making the leap made life so much better. It’s the growth that made the change that much better. Seeing yourself in a better light and thinking, “Wow, I can actually be proud of myself.”
It was a mindset that I often had to trick myself into thinking I had. Not because I wasn’t happy with my life, but more so because I was insecure about it. Life can sometimes be one big insecurity and this morning was a slap in the face when it came to emotions and insecurities.
The thoughts of, “I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not outgoing enough, I’m not enough,” were racing through my mind and it was just one of those days where you just have to breakdown. Which is not a bad thing. Having a good cry is always a cure from letting everything out and moving on.
Too many emotions swirling around and it makes you think, “Was the change I made this time worth it?”
The thing is… in this situation I want to agree that the change is good. I want to see the good in it because I find worth in it. There is something different about this change — almost as if it wasn’t really change, but something that just always needed to be there.
My heart is heavy and guarded, so change will be set aside for today.
