10 Things You Have To Try Before You Die Later Today

Let’s face it: we’re all going to die eventually. And you, in particular, are going to die later today. So when you take that final gasping breath, bleeding out on a loading dock by the river, do you really want your last thought to be, “Aw man, if only I had done [BLANK]”? Instead, take our recommendations of the ten things you have just got to do before I kill you:

10. Give me my money!

This is a no-brainer. You know you owe $35k in gambling debts, and you know I’m going to collect on those debts. So why not just give me my money? It’s not going to save your life, but at least I’ll make your death quick and painless. It’s one experience you definitely won’t want to miss!

9. Run for it.

I mean, come on, you know you want to! There’s no way you’ll escape from my organization, but if you don’t try to make a break for it at least once, you’ll have that tingling feeling of regret as Moose and Gunther hold your arms, while I beat your face into a fine paste. Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen? Live a little, before you die a lot!

8. Say goodbye to Sandra.

There’s always the one that got away, right (not you, LOL)? So you must try saying one last goodbye to Sandra and telling her how you really feel. Sure you may have wrecked your relationship gambling on dog fights, but deep down she loves you — and the feeling of seeing her know this is the last time she’ll see you alive, without saying a word… Well, that’s one memory that will last the rest of your life (which is about three-four hours at this point).

7. Fire a gun.

Don’t get me wrong. I abhor violence in all its forms. It’s a necessary tool for imposing my rules on a criminal organization, sure. But I take no pleasure in it. That said, feeling the recoil of a gun in your hand as you kill the partner who set you up is unmissable. He was your best friend, but this whole thing was just a way to get his own gambling debts cleared up, and because of his selfish callousness he ruined your life! Side-note: this was the number one recommended tip from users of this site.

6. Tell me you’re going to kill me.

Sure, we’ll all laugh at the idea. Kill me? The man who controls the largest criminal organization on the Eastern seaboard? But it’s so satisfying to get your power back, if only for a second. Make sure to call ahead first!

5. Jump out of a moving car.

No explanation necessary, you’ve just got to try this!

4. Fight each of my henchman.

Until you’ve fought my extremely specialized henchman, each with their own unique fighting style and cool weapon, you haven’t really lived. Bonus: kill one of the henchmen with his own weapon!

3. Have a final battle!

In at number three? Before you die bloodily and messily, you have got to have a final battle. Honestly, there’s nothing like facing that final boss — that’s me! — in a no-holds barred brawl to end it all. You just have to make time for this before I slaughter you, and make sure to try everything: getting seemingly knocked down for the count; being told that we’re the same, you and I; and then coming back from nowhere to defeat me using strength you previously had no idea you possessed.

2. Say a really cool line.

It probably depends on how you kill me, but if you impale me on an ice pick, maybe, “I should have picked better friends,” or if you drop me off a building, “have a great Fall” is a classic. Whatever happens, try a couple! You deserve it.

1. Realize all of this was just a daydream.

Our number one choice is a classic for a reason: realizing you were never an action hero, but in fact hallucinating in your final moments due to you bleeding out on a dirty wharf, surrounded by your enemies? That’s *kisses fingers like an Italian chef* one thing you definitely can’t miss before you die. Which is right now.

Did you try one of these tips? Then we’d say write your experience in the comments below, but you can’t, because you’re dead.

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