Lifehack: What To Do If Your Maid Is Amelia Bedelia

Having a live-in maid can be a lifesaver. From cooking, to cleaning, to taking care of little tasks around the house, for the well-to-do couple on the go knowing that your home is in order is a huge relief — particularly if you’re working long hours at the office. But if your maid is Amelia Bedelia, it can lead to more headaches than time savings.

That said, there are a few simple lifehacks I’m going to teach you to make dealing with your maid — who is Amelia Bedelia — a little bit easier:

#1: Don’t Talk To Her, Ever
As you know if your maid is Amelia Bedelia, she tends to take things literally. That leads to potential problem spots like asking if she’ll dust the room, and then she adds more dust to the room. Or perhaps you’ve ran into issues requesting she warm up the soup, only to discover she’s spent the past ten minutes performing stand-up comedy to a can of Campbell’s.

Whatever the specific issue, the easiest way around this? Never talk to her, ever. You can certainly nod assent if she asks you something, but even that is a potential minefield, because who knows how she’ll interpret what you are, or are not saying. Instead, don’t talk to her, look at her, or even write anything down for her, because any interaction is a recipe for absolute disaster (recall previous times you asked her to “set up the garden” and she framed it for murder).

#2: The Monkey’s Paw Scenario
On the off chance you don’t feel comfortable with not talking to Amelia Bedelia, there’s a trickier option: treat her like a monkey’s paw.

Just in case you are Amelia Bedelia and reading this, we’re not saying we should use you to grip bananas or climb trees. This is instead referring to the short story published by W.W. Jacobs in 1902, about a magical paw that granted wishes, but dramatically ironic. The trick with a monkey’s paw (or genie for that matter), is to be as specific with your wishes as possible.

The same is true for Amelia Bedelia: don’t just ask her to “dress the turkey” and expect her not to put it in a cute little outfit; tell her explicitly that you would like her to cook a turkey, with specific instructions for temperature and time, as well as what you would like on the side, and how you’re like that prepared. Chances are she’s going to misunderstand something and burn down your house regardless, but at least you’ve been as careful as possible.

#3: Just Have Her Bake
Look, you know how this works. You ask Amelia Bedelia to engage in a series of tasks, she messes them up, you become furious, and then at the last moment she pulls out a baked confection she’s been working on that’s so delicious you forgive her for ironing your shirts by sewing loads of iron in the pockets.

Why not just restrict her tasks to baking? Granted, you’ll have to give her a little free rein here*, but she’s terrible at everything else… Let her do what she’s good at. You’ll of course have to weigh the cost of having a full time baker in your house, with no one to do the maid duties… But that is a darn good lemon meringue pie she makes.

*Make sure you don’t actually tell her you’re giving her free rein, or all of sudden your house will be filled with wild horses.

#4: Fire her
Seriously, what are you even doing? There are a ton of perfectly qualified people out there, and you’re forgiving Amelia Bedelia for constantly serving you drinks on actual stone rocks because sometimes she makes cream puffs? What’s wrong with you? This is costing time, energy and ultimately blocking someone else from a job. It’s a ridiculous situation, and it needs to cease immediately.

Okay, that’s it for today’s lifehack! Hope that helps, and head back here next week when we teach you some easy solutions for dealing with a good little monkey who is always curious.