Regarding The Office’s New Coffee Machine

Hey team! Thanks so much for your constant and continued feedback on the new coffee maker in the break room. That said, we won’t be replacing it anytime soon, regardless of how alarming it is to hear the vomiting noise it makes as it brews coffee.

As you know, the previous machine was an antiquated model that made muddy brown water as often as it gave us actual coffee. The new unit is an advanced model with multiple options that, yes, does make a retching sound as coffee is dispensed. But given the expense put in to upgrading the equipment, and the massive improvement in quality of the beverages, we’d argue it’s worth some less than savory noises.

Again, thank you for the incessant Google Hangout messages that you have tagged us in on this topic. We’re aware of the dedicated Slack channel “#WhyWontTheCoffeeMachineStopBarfing” and are monitoring the conversation closely. We’ve already discussed in the Senior Staff Meeting, and we will look to address just as soon as it is feasible.

I mentioned the options available in choice of drink. I’d love for you all to focus on those, rather than the repeated, protracted sounds of heaving that permeate the kitchen area whenever you make a hot cup of joe. Not only are there different strengths of coffee (I love the breakfast blend, myself!), you can add a shot of vanilla or chocolate to make a delightful midday treat. I realize that the machine saying, “oh god, I feel sick” before dribbling jets of caffeinated hot beverages into your mug may taint the experience somewhat, but we’re of the opinion that’s a more than adequate price to pay for a delicious vanilla latte.

Management put a lot of thought into this upgrade. We’ve noticed that morale is low in the office, and realize that something demonstrating how much faith we have in the great work the team is doing will help buoy spirits in the upcoming quarter, in order to proactively increase productivity. A ping-pong table would take up too much real estate. A popcorn machine raised several concerns for the waste disposal department. So we decided on a new coffee machine, and ultimately the model that burps uncomfortably every fifteen minutes or so while shakily inquiring “I don’t feel good, where’s the bathroom?” was an option that fit squarely into our 2017 budget.

Are we pleased with the unit loudly announcing, “uuuhggghhh god here it comes again” when you add a second shot of espresso to your cappuccino? Of course not. Was it preferable that the machine will occasionally spit out cups of coffee no one selected with the aforementioned gagging noises, followed by sobs while it says, “I’m so sorry, uhhhh gahhh” and leaks drops of vanilla syrup from two round cracks in the front of the unit? No, and we’ve already flagged this for the company that makes the machine. They’re running this complaint up the chain.

And yes, we should have read the brochure more closely, because it doesn’t seem necessary that a coffee maker have hair you’re required to hold back while it drops wave after wave of hot, chunky liquid into your cup. That one is on us.

We regret we’re not able to immediately rectify this problem. Please hit me up if there are any questions. And to end on a positive note, I’m excited to let you know that the new refrigerator should be installed tomorrow! It only screams a little every time you open the door.

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