The beginning.

It’s the end of day 1 of 2018. The uncertainty of tomorrow kills me inside. Skin glowing, gaining extra weight, stomach cramps, periods being late. What could go more wrong?Today I’m here sitting in a round table with 4 others and still feeling lonely. Laughing, giggling, singing my heart out and having the time of my life. How is that even after doing all these things, i still feel so alone. The feeling of emptiness; no one there for me truly.

Four years ago, this day. A guy mentioned to me how i would die alone with no one to love because of my personality. The same guy who had the audacity to rape me and still have the balls to tell me that i will get someone to “fuck” regardless of him doing that to me. This happened, four years ago. Why am i still not over the pain. Why am i still lingering on something that happened 4 years ago.

Walking into 2018, with all these questions. Leaving me to die with them.2017 has been an awful year. More downs than ups. The possibility of this year turning into bullshit, still lingers around my head.

My resolutions are faint. I have no hope nor faith in life. It’s an empty void that hasn’t been fulfilled.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Khalil Gibran, means well. He seems to have understood life and his perspective and insights about joy and sorrow speaks to me. But little did he know that for me to feel the inseparable joy and sorrow, i needed to feel what joy actually meant.

I have forgotten how to be happy. Of course, ‘he’ means a lot to me. He sincerely tries to make the effort. However, he is unable to help me find joy in the little things that we share.

For me to be as excited as the whole world is about resolutions and promises of 2018, I need to tell myself to calm down. I need self love to enjoy life. Self love that I’m unable to give myself.

I envy others who say that their life is amazing even when they aren’t. Someone is always going through something, and i know for a fact that it’s nothing even close to how i feel because what i feel seems little around what others are going through.

I know what my resolution will be.

  • It is to be happy. To finally give myself the chance to be happy.
  • To move on, from all the negativity. Embrace the toxicity of others with open arms just because i will be that person who not be affected by what others say or think about me.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and proudly say that i am gaining weight and still smile thinking about losing it as soon as possible.

I want to love the only guy who has been able to give me the love even though i think is not enough because to me, i need it more.

I want to be able to cry my eyes out with happiness! JOY!

The person whom i would be proud of. Someone who can!

That’s my resolution for 2018

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