Get in shape
It may come as a surprise to you, but I wasn’t always the skinny-fat nerd who would get a boner every time he touched an octacore hyperthreaded CPU. Some ten years ago, I could run faster than the other guys in my school, held a broad jump school record of more than 2 meters (almost the size of my rooster), had a personal record of 30 clapping push-ups in a row with a red face and would play b̶i̶t̶c̶h̶ beach volley whenever needed.
Then nerdy shit happened. I figured out I could get paid better as a software engineer than as an amateur beach volley player, and I liked beer as much as the next guy. One thing led to another, I had a minor beer belly and an infinitesimally small second chin. The tl;dr version of this article is “move your ass, get in shape”.

“But wait”, — you say, — “round is a shape”. Haha, funny. But as an argument that’s shittier than your life choices, which led you to being a (skinny-)fat fuck.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing bad with being skinny or fat; there’s no need for every guy to look defined like Michelangelo’s David or for every girl to look pretty. We need both ugly and fat people in the world in order to make ourselves feel good with being in shape, otherwise we’re working out in vain. In a world of Phil Heaths, an Arnold Schwarzenegger would not be very impressive. Anyway, let’s see some pros and cons of being in shape, but I’d suggest you to not focus too much on the cons.
Pros
Discipline
Working out is the best discipline training method. It can get you 8 weeks to get in shape and only 2 weeks to get out of it again. You will have to control yourself during the day. You don’t get to put everything you see in your mouth (unless you’re into that), you don’t get to drink alcohol like there’s no tomorrow, you don’t get to party all night long. Seems like getting fit means not having fun. Ackchyually, it means not doing what made you pitiful in the first place. It means pulling yourself together and developing healthy habits, which will make you more focused on your goals.
The food is great
Of course you love food, no wonder why you’re aiming for 3 digits on the scale. Getting fit comes bundled with a diet, but that doesn’t mean you will eat less. Most diets will make you eat as much as you did before, sometimes even more. The only difference is what you’ll put in your mouth.

If your goal is to lose weight, you’ll get to eat the food of my food. Prepare for a shit ton of vegetables like lettuce, grass, broccoli, toe may toes. “But Aldo”, — you say, — “isn’t this what cattle eat? I already look like a cow, how about a less fattening diet?” Putting a potato in your mouth (you know it can fit in there) and spitting it out doesn’t make you a spud gun. Follow the same logic and eat your grass; you won’t lactate anytime soon. By eating lettuce and other greenery, you’ll fill your tummy with low calorific food; you’ll be less hungry and force your body metabolise the fat reserves. That’s how you lose weight, only by being in calorific deficit.
The skinny fat, on the other hand, get to eat proper (hence, better) food. There’s nothing better than eating dead chickens, devouring beef or gobbling up dead pork carcass. And that’s not just it. Think of protein-high ice cream, beans, seafood, chicken ovarian products, anything high in protein (wink). Following a good carbs cycling diet, you can also enjoy deserts once in a while as long as you can control yourself (discipline). You’ll ditch chocolate bars for protein bars, you’ll drink more milk with your protein shakes (multiple wink), you’ll ditch glucose for fructose and feel fresher and healthier than ever. And no coke! Only Charlie Sheen gets to do coke and look healthy.
You look better in clothes
I’m not against fat people. Really, I’m not. At least they fill their clothes. Skinny people, on the other hand… How do those matchstick legs support your body? How didn’t your kind evolve into a wind-harvesting being? Evolutionary speaking, it would be way better for your people to turn into biological gliders.
Jokes aside, it should be really frustrating going shopping and not finding fitting clothes because you’re somewhere between Small and Medium, but they don’t produce Smadium size in mass. You’re either tired of paying extra to make your clothes fit you, or everyone around you is tired of seeing you wear clothes that don’t fit. But, not anymore. You’ll fill your baggy shirts by building muscle, and you’ll finally smile at yourself when you walk past the mirror.
You look better without clothes
[Whispering] I’m not referring to the beach… ;)
Cons
You have to buy new clothes
If you gain a lot of lean muscle weight or lose a lot of body fat in a short amount of time, whether your shirts will be baggy or they will be too tight. I believe you are serious about the way you look. If not, you should be. There’s no second chance in giving a first impression, so if you go on a date wearing a baggy shirt, the first base won’t even be in the horizon.
The day after legs day
Most gym duds don’t train legs. They build these massive upper bodies, with well defined abs and biceps, but they can’t carry their girlfriend up the stairs. So never skip legs day, otherwise some half-squatter will steal your woman.

Your legs are among the biggest muscles in your body, with your ass muscles being the largest. And you’ve been using them during all your life, so building bigger legs means you will have to work them harder. Anyway, there is this thing called DOMS — Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness — that will make you curse the day you trained your legs… and you won’t be able to walk through stairs. So yeah, deal with that.
No ice cream
Your body metabolises ice cream into shit ton of carbs, which will get stored as fat if you don’t burn it all. 100 grams of vanilla ice cream is ~200kcal, which would require ~30min running to burn.
The bottom line is…
You’re doing your body a favour by working out. Exercising makes your heart strong, decreases blood pressure, lowers the risk of diabetes and arthritis, makes you less anxious and less depressed, helps a lot with your sleep problems.
But also, working out makes you sweat considerably, which forces you to take showers more often. There’s no simpler way to say this to you Karen, you stink and you don’t realise it.. You sweat every time you get up from your desk and everybody in the office is uncomfortable with you being clammy all day. We avoid shaking hands with you, so fookin take a shower already!
