Unraveling My Thoughts

After being unemployed for 10 months after graduation I felt the sudden realization that I was depressed. I realized that I was in denial after "some incident", ensuring myself that I was fine and I would just go on, finding another job. While I was still applying for job here and there one by one my friends found their tracks and I couldn’t help but felt envy. I hated myself for being like that. When I finally landed on my first freelance job, that was a project with my lecturer, I took it without any grateful feeling: "Yeah, let me take it and leave it once I get a job", I thought to myself. Three months passed and I was still unemployed, I stucked in every interview. I started to ask what went wrong. Was it my appearance? Was it my articulation? Could they feel my cold hands? Was my answer bad? Most of the time the interview left a nice impression so I believed I could make it, but that confidence shattered after weeks of waiting the result with uncertainty or a short dismissal e-mail. I appreciate a short e-mail of rejection but it broke my heart when I read the one from Indolakto once when I was doing my work in campus. At that time I texted my mother while crying quietly because I was in my major’s lounge and surrounded by my friends who were working on the project too. Imagine a room full of people, busy with their things, bunch of students were studying together for the comprehension exam, a pair of students were working on their thesis defense, and so on and I was in the middle of that, facing the wall, crying. I sent to my mother, "Mom, I’m tired of these job seeking". At that time I didn’t know who to call and as I started to burst so I hit my mother’s number. I know that my parents are not the type who pressurized me to get a job but it still breaks my heart because I couldn’t support my family as soon as I graduated, but I assure you it’s not about the money. I stumbled upon a friend’s facebook post that when their kid’s sad, the mothers feel more sad. I felt that my presence was a nuisance enough and to the top of that I said things that made my mom sad.

I never really discuss my issue with anyone, whether it’s my friends or my parents. It’s not that I don’t trust my friends or I’m not open to them but I believe everybody has their own problem, be it in family, campus, workplace, etc, and I don’t want to add the burden. I thought to myself that I can solve it myself and even if I couldn’t, time will help me heal. I’ve had come to my senses several times. I knew I needed to stop being stressed and I should just do any activity to banish my negative thoughts. In doing so, I didn’t give up on applying for job. I’ve come to career expo four times in total. I went to Bogor, Jakarta, using my hard-earned money from the project, all to no avail. I was okay, I wasn’t drown in frustration, I was kinda used to it afterall. I was kinda back on track when I resumed my religious group activity, I met many new inspiring friends and I realized I shouldn’t worry that much about my job because my life had always been in the right hand: God The Almighty so why should I worry? I tried to add my activity too by joining an english speaking program. I was happy, I believed I could change for the better. But then the reality hitted me hard when I stayed at my parent’s house on last holiday. "I’m not supposed to be here… I’m supposed to be working on something… anywhere but here…" I couldn’t even enjoy my holiday in my parent’s house, I felt useless and worthless and the fact that I stayed in my parent’s house only underlined my joblessness. So after only ten days I abruptly ended my holiday and went back to Bandung.

I know that my problem, my depression could be simply worded as "a jobseeker frustration". Maybe people will find it very simple and shallow. Yes, I don't have a divorced parents, my family is not tearing apart because of debt collector, and no, I don't have an abusive parents. Yes, my problem is a simple one but my depression isn't. I'm a very logical person so I know the solution is simple: It all started in myself so I should fix my thinking, my view of world, and I should just engage in a positive activity. But like many cases of depression, it's not that simple. We can't tell a depressed person to change him/herself as in changing clothes. While I was dealing with my own issue, I helped a friend of mine who stopped her study in the middle of the semester. The solution was simple, like any other problem: you should change your mindset, etc. Their problem can be simply described as "student with falling grades", "students failing a class", "fresh-graduate crisis", "sadness after a family member passed away", etc but we don't know what's inside their head. Even though we've been there at some point of our lives but we only know that much. We don't know what they are going through, their situation, their history, so we just can't use any absolute reference to help them. So here I am, trying to heal myself through writing and unraveling my thoughts.

Saturday, August 06, 2016