
Yes i’m jealous. It’s been a week, i feel this feeling.
I’m 30 years old this year. My last relationship, with flat & stoic girl, it’s over after almost 6 years we’ve been together, because i choose to end it, because “healthy and mature adults will let go and walk away, when their partner is no longer bringing to the table what they need to be”.
And…
I’m falling in love with 32 years old married-woman, with 1 daughter and 1 son.
I thought it will be easier, for me, who attract with same gender, to fall in love with someone that i don’t need to worry, what’s the ending of our love story.
Yes because she’s married.
For past 8 months, we never have a big fight. Just little rocks and argue. It will end with “sorry” from me or her. It’s not a selfish relationship, i think.
Every morning, she woke up earlier than me. She always text me with, “Morning, love”. Continue with video call when she hits the road to her office. She talks about how her husband go home last night. Talk about her son. Talk about mine too.
Back to present
After morning video call. We did our activities. Lunch-time, we have little chat about what is our lunch. Until 4pm. Mostly, i took an hour trip (yes trip, it’s a long journey) to meet her after office. Then we go dinner or just directly go to the near of her house, then i go home after that. If i got a bad condition, she came to my place. But on Friday, it’s a special day. We could meet longer. We could go farther. Her husband took “me time” on weekend. So we usually have an awwness sex in Friday. Yes, it’s so unforgettable pleasure, for me.

She is a charming woman. Pretty smile, independent gesture, tall, tattoo on her backside, intelligence woman, and a foxy lady in bed. Yes, mostly perfect.
Last Friday, we met with role play. I’m the Dominant, and she’s my sub. Rough sex, that i never felt before, with bondage and wild voices. I’m satisfied. For that night.
Here is what i always feel every Friday night, i know it just a night, and tomorrow you should taking care of your daughter and son, well i don’t have any problem with it, and in Sunday, she will be back with her husband as a couple. And in the night, we will text until 10–11pm, then you permit to sleep, and you turn off your phone.
I know. It’s not my business. I falling in love. Yes. But with none of expectation. Eventho i know, her husband is such a (sorry) jerk, i can’t ask her to leave him. Not for being together with me. No. But for her good. I just can’t sit with popcorn to watch this movie and enjoy it like it will be end for another 90mins like a movie. It makes me crazy and go wild. Even i have the dark side, i tell myself a lot,”can you hear me? even it’s so dope. i’m ready to be a China doll. it’s just her doppelganger when she’s with you. her alter. her modern fairytale. maybe you should change your name to Lolita.”

Then, last Sunday, i text her, i don’t expect anything, i won’t talk about marriage, eventho i want, maybe we could say it’s, mmm, future? I just keep it deep deep inside myself. But i know, i have relationship with married woman, and it’s unusual in here to have same sex marriage, and even if it happens for THE SAKE OF GAGA MY LORD, how about her daughter or son if they know about us?? How about her parents?? Her sister and brother? Okay, enough. I should shut this expectation down. After what i text, what’s she said?
Absolutely Love, if we want take it serious, how? Hahahaha.
That laugh.
It hurts. Then i became silent for the next day. Why i felt this? It’s wrong. I’m “the-i-won’t-give-a-fucking-damn-person” won’t feel this feeling.
Monday.
Our routines, morning call. I tell her about my dream, she’s on gown, and ready to marry someone. She’s laugh. Hahahaha. With who?? Relax! If i’m going to marry again, i will still keep you as my affair!
Wow.
Yes, that feeling again! My mind running, i’m just a pet. I am angry. Then i text her that i hate her statement. She said it’s just a joke and she say sorry.
But i can’t.
In the night, she said that her husband is already home. Yes we text. But nothing is special. It’s almost 1am, she asks to sleep. I look on her chat, still online, then i ask, do you text another person?
She sent me picture, “i’m pee-ing”. Cute underwear, and she’s sit while pee. My mind suddenly is the best scriptwriter.
I just look at it. Wait until 5mins. I reply, okay. And, her phone is already off.
And now, i’m in the bathroom, alone. Feel unworthy and powerless.
I know..