Here’s To Hoping

Three years ago today, I was happy. I smiled. I counted my blessings. I had what I wanted, or, at least, what I thought I wanted.

Two years ago today, I was sad. I frowned. I counted my losses. I had lost what I thought I had wanted.

A year ago today, I was confused. I smirked. I redirected my thoughts. I had replaced my emptiness with something else.

Today, I am burdened. I stare off blankly. I over think every passing thought. I feel stuck in the past, yet afraid of the future.

I have had an incredible journey over these years. I am tremendously glad to be where I am now. I can’t say that I wouldn’t change some things, but I do know that my experiences have made me stronger and I am happy to be in the know instead of clinging to ignorance.

Three years ago today, I enabled a manipulative relationship to flower.

Two years ago today, I nudged an abusive relationship to its end.

A year ago today, I thought I had successfully blocked out the two previous years.

Today, I remember everything and I want desperately to make sure that it doesn’t happen to anyone ever again.

I have relived multitudes of scenarios that I wish would have ended some other way. I think about how I could have done something differently — analyzed the situation more fully, expressed my emotions better, or realized that I was letting myself slip away for the benefit of others. I was slowly being molded into something I was not.

Three years ago today, I was generally pleased with my body.

Two years ago today, I was struggling with an eating disorder.

A year ago today, I was repulsed by the mention of Thanksgiving dinner.

Today, I have several friends that check in with me daily to make sure I’ve eaten.

I have never thought of myself as someone that will change solely for other people, but hindsight is 20/20. I know that I tried to lose weight for my significant other. I hated myself for not being good enough for them. I was willing to reinvent my lifestyle if they would have been happier with me as a person. I thought I was worthless because they had told me so. Sometimes it was through what they didn’t say, what they told their friends, but mostly, it was their actions. I didn’t know how else to keep their attention. Physicality seemed to be the only language they were apt to respond to.

Three years ago today, I was a virgin.

Two years ago today, I was someone’s sex object.

A year ago today, I thought sex was a necessary evil.

Today, I know I am a rape victim.

It still hurts.

Everyday.

I see now how many times I was taken advantage of. I realize that it was not my fault or something that was wrong with me. That doesn’t change the fact that somewhere deep inside of me, I will always blame myself for not stopping it, for not being strong enough to speak up, for not seeing them for who they truly were…

Regardless, I have made it this far and I don’t plan on giving up the fight. I am more than my past. I have so much to live for. There are people that need me more than my sorrows do.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll have a new reason to smile.

Maybe next year I won’t think about those who hurt me as much.

Maybe two years from now I will be able to eat healthily again.

Maybe three years from now I’ll be stronger than I imagined possible.

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