I read what you wrote couldn’t help but see a reflection of myself. I too am struggling with alcohol.
Out of curiosity, have you looked into taking medication to combat alcohol addiction? I hate to sound like a drug infomercial, but I’ve been taking naltrexone and in a week I’ve done a complete 180. Basically, the drug works by taking the high away that drinking use to provide. You can still drink, but it’s different… I can’t really describe it, other than drinking used to allow me to withdraw. Now it just makes me slow and sleepy.
Understandably, prescription drugs are not for everyone. However, for anyone struggling with addiction, I would encourage taking a look at what prescriptions are available for treating addiction. Just my two cents.