Sports Injuries and Mental Health

I’m going to get real about how my cycling injury has affected me over the past two weeks.

Of course, the injury itself was painful, but not as dire as it could have been. The main struggle apart from lack of mobility and ability is how it has affected me mentally.

As well as mobility and exercise, cycling gave me something much more valuable — a channel for burning off excess stress and a way to keep my emotions stabilised.

In the past, as with a lot of people, I’ve suffered through periods of depression, severe anxiety and real mood swing issues. I guarantee most people close to me have witnessed this first hand, mainly the mood swings. I’ve been on and off mood stabilisers/SSRI’s for the past two years, for what has probably been an underlying issue for the majority of my life but has slipped under the radar as ‘adolescent’ mood swings or acting out — each time equally believing I could cope without them, after thinking I had managed to rewire my brain to stop going into fight or flight mode at every single opportunity, whether in a social situation, at work or with those close to me. Admittedly, my lid has always been abnormally easy to flip, for no apparent reason at all.

For those who don’t know, SSRI’s are ‘selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, any of a group of antidepressant drugs which inhibit the uptake of serotonin in the brain’.

The last time I came off SSRI’s was the exact same time I started cycling — June 2018. I had recognised that I so badly needed that outlet to keep everything at bay. I felt a lot calmer and I could enjoy life without having to worry about when my next episode was going to strike, plus, I was getting some much needed exercise. Granted, I did have a few moments where I could feel issues creeping back in, but this was resolved easily enough by a good long cycle trip, since then, I had no reason whatsoever to even think about needing SSRI’s in my life.

Exercise was my new antidote to unresolved mental health issues. So, you can see why, when I went and injured myself, the storm clouds started to form again.

Naturally, the first couple of days was a real kicker — I had the following worries racing around my head:

• How do I deal with the excess energy and stress?
• How will I change my diet?
• What about my 5,000 mile target by February?
• How could I be so naïve about bike maintenance?
• How will I get around?
• How was I going to sleep at night?
• Who am I now that I’m not cycling at all?

Day 1 — this should have been my moment of acceptance — instead I was acting as if I hadn’t just fractured my clavicle. Believe it or not, I rode my bike the rest of the way home, probably aided by the shock and denial of the injury. The main thing running through my mind at this point was how damaging this was to my routine. This is when I realised how dependent I had become on cycling, and how little I’d considered emergency situations where I couldn’t cycle.

Day 2 — I brought myself around to visit the minor injuries unit (I almost didn’t at all), after self-confirming there was most likely a fracture. It made me feel marginally better getting a confirmation, as it meant I could start planning recovery and re-planning my routine after my visit to the fracture clinic on the Friday.

Day 3 — After the anger had subsided, the depression started to kick in. I don’t want to dress this up as some unfortunate sob story; I’m perfectly capable of feeling sorry for myself if I want to — but this is the reality that a lot of people involved in sport have to deal with. You’re getting a constant supply of endorphins, which react with opiate receptors to reduce feelings of stress and pain, usually after exercise. That suddenly stops, which is why a lot of injured sports stars and athletes may end up substituting that with over-eating, substance abuse, or any other endorphin releasing activities. Bearing in mind, I had gone from a modest commute to work to fitting in around 110–120 miles of cycling a week by this point — I had even just bought a road bike as I was planning on switching from MTB to road to see how much distance and speed I could really build. So it was an ever-growing important area of my life.

Day 4 — I was flipping again. The frustration of not being able to carry out simple tasks or any form of exercise didn’t help, but I recognised the kind of behaviour arising from a mile off. The fracture clinic had said it would be 5–6 weeks before the fracture would have fully healed. Optimistically, I have a check up mid-august which I’m hoping I’ll get an all clear to get back on the saddle.

With this conclusion, I knew that there was no way I could keep up the hectic, proactive lifestyle I had built in my current state of mind for the next 5 weeks — the prospect almost appeared impossible. I had crashed completely — from fundraising for Vegan Cycle India, helping train with my Mum for Race For Life, getting back in touch with old friends and looking to start new music projects, jiu-jitsu, working out at the gym, writing for my blog — I felt almost closed in by all these responsibilities I had dealt myself whilst in peak form, so much so that I so easily felt like writing ALL of those things off.

I gave myself a couple of days to really work out if this was feasible. It was unbearable enough knowing that I could flip at someone, anyone, and ruin a relationship with my frustration. So I took the dive again, visited my GP, and explained my situation. My diet was on point, I had stopped drinking completely, I don’t smoke and I was sleeping very well (as well as exercising a lot before the injury) — everything was as it should have been, yet I was still reacting irrationally. Even if I gave all of my responsibilities up, those feelings would be all-consuming. I’m now back on SSRI’s, and have noticed the difference immediately. The frustration just isn’t there.

My viewpoint on SSRI’s has always been to resist — the reason why in the first place I didn’t want any dependency on them at all. But some people genuinely do need them, no matter how hard you try to change your lifestyle. I don’t know how long I will be on them, but I’m not planning on coming off them when I’m back on the saddle. It’s something I can’t risk again if I do get another injury. I see it as a bonus now if anything — double the good feels. I understand that there isn’t complete research on the drugs, and that it could potentially harm brain tissue, but that’s something I’m happy to live with as opposed to the alternative. I’m sure, it might affect my motivations for cycling, both negatively and positively, but maybe it will stop me from feeling like I NEED to cycle, either to prove my efforts or to make sure I’m calm enough to live a normal life.

I no longer see it as giving in but more aiding to live a wholesome lifestyle. I now have the motivation and clarity to write pieces such as these and I’m not afraid to admit like all of us that we are human and have our flaws. This article may be off the beaten track with regards to cycling or veganism, but it’s something I’ve wanted to share for a while — and hopefully a shimmer of hope for those that are on the fence about whether exercise can change their life. It really can, and I don’t see why mood stabilisers and antidepressants can’t work harmoniously with exercise.

If you or someone you know has a story similar to the above where exercise has turned their life around, or you want to share your experience with SSRI’s, feel free to get in touch with me or comment below if you feel like opening up. Mental health is something we have come to put more priority on in recent years, but it’s so widespread that as a collective we must let each other know that it’s more common than we think. By recognising the problem, there can be more measures put in place to ensure we are all living the life we want to live.

All the love,

B12 Bikepacker